The Gross (Normal) Things in Pregnancy That No One Talks About (but should!)

When I became pregnant with my oldest, I was told about the swollen feet, the morning sickness, and the glowing skin (and, after 3 pregnancies - I am still waiting for said 'glowing skin'). However, there were many things that I was not prepared for. Things that I found utterly embarrassing. Did I really want to ask my friends if it was normal to pee myself, should I ask my OB if frequent farts were normal, and just exactly where was that smell coming from? Unfortunately, the Feds must have locked up and censored all of these 'dirty, nasty' things and silenced everyone with fear of being improper.

Well, 'eff being proper.

So, with the assistance of Twitter and friends and family - I wrote this as a way to provide preparation, hope, help, and advice through my List of Disgusting and Embarrassing Side Effects of Gestation.

Burping - like a drunk man
I will never forget how I scarred the pizza boy during my current pregnancy, when I opened the door and, without saying a word, proceeded to burp loudly in his face. Twice. I apologized, but the look he gave me was priceless. I haven't ordered Pizza Hut since.

Mind you, I burp with reason. With all of my children, I have had morning sickness and the easiest, quickest way to kick my nausea right in the groin is to drink root beer and burp until my stomach feels better. Unfortunately, there is something about pregnancy that makes your gas loud and smelly - no matter the route or the exit ramp. This sometimes makes me wonder if I should be waddling around with a beer gut, belly shirt, and trucker hat - but, for now, I would rather burp in the face of a delivery man than puke.

Solution - Accept your fate. If you're a burper - it's just gonna happen, preggo. Usually, it lightens up after the 1st trimester on it's own. You can also try Tums or other calcium supplements, which may help.

Real Life Stories:
"You should write about when you think you're going to burp and then you throw up in your mouth. Kind of like sharting, but instead of [pooping] when you fart, you puke when your burp :( I think it's almost worse than just regular puking because it's gone up my nose before. At least if I know I'm going to puke, I can adequately prepare for the unblessed event. 'Purking' is just unfair."

Constipation - like whoa
If pregnancy-induced insomnia is nature's way of preparing your body for sleepless nights with a newborn, than pregnancy-induced constipation is nature's way of preparing your body to push out a baby.

I'm glad I poop alone, because I fear people would call an ambulance and tell them, "she's having a baby! In the bathroom!" I scream, I grunt, and I say, "Come on, owww..." I change positions, I try to relax, and - towards the end - I definitely give up and say, "I can't do this anymore!" I don't have a choice though - and I persevere. After the final push, I feel relief and gratitude - proclaiming, "I did it! I DID IT!" I am so ready to have this baby. Thanks, constipation.

Solution: Water. Drink tons and tons of it. If you were a caffeine-aholic before becoming pregnant, don't quit cold turkey. Wean yourself, which would make it so you don't plug yourself up. You want to stay away from laxatives, but most over-the-counter stool softeners are safe (but, as always, consult your midwife or OB before starting any sort of medication)

Discharge - this requires no witty subtext
You know how nasty comics are always claiming that vaginas smell like fish? Well... heh. You may be surprised and, in my case, mortified, at what comes out of your vagina when pregnant. It's discharge, but it changes color (pink, brown, white, yellow...), consistency, and scent. Usually, on a daily basis. There's also a lot of it. A lot.

Solution: You know how you were so excited when you realized you wouldn't have a period for 9 months, and you thought that meant you would stay away from all sorts of menstruation products? Think again. I keep a supply of panty-liners, usually opting for the scented ones since the smell of discharge has made me gag. For more eco-friendly moms, you can try cloth pads - which tend to reduce the smell of discharge as well.

Flatulence - uncontrollable, obvious flatulence
You know those really, gross, loud farts that your husband blames on the dog you don't have? Or, in my case, on the baby? His farts have nothing on pregnancy farts. As women, we tend to have quiet, usually discreet, farts. However, when pregnant - this all changes.

They're LOUD. EXTREMELY loud. There is no "I-think-I-may-fart" sensations - this just come, out of nowhere. Without an invitation, without warning. They also smell, and, they smell badly.

Don't think these ones will go away once you're un-pregnant, either. These farts can follow you well past the post-partum period.

Solutions: Avoid greasy, spicy foods (if, your cravings will allow you). In my case, I was able to escape embarrassment because, after the first time my husband made fun of one of my louder "toots" - I burst into crazy, psycho, hormonal sobs. After that episode, he began to take the blame for me when I was having a gassy moment in public.

Real life stories:

"I wish someone would tell me 'by the way, you may fart ALL THE TIME."
" no one told me about the post partum uncontrollable farting either"
"I teach yoga and even 1yr post partum I have to be careful & hold things extra tight in certain poses. Otherwise..I've let out a few choice sounds in front of an entire yoga class. I don't react & just hope people couldn't tell who."
"I also farted my life away while in labour which was excruciatingly embarrassing. I had an epi so no pain to distract me. Also I was up in stirrups for ages. Poor midwives :-("
"I farted in my OBs face during an exam once. Luckily, he pretended like he didn't hear it"

Hemorrhoids - they really DO exist
I've never experienced these personally, so I'm leaving this one up to the personal stories:

Real Life Stories:
"I actually didn't have them until AFTER birth (from pushing, I'm assuming). It was very uncomfortable. Vaseline [helped] and I've heard that [Sitz Baths] can help"
" I've never had them, and then last week out of NOWHERE, surprise!!! I was seriously so shocked and embarrassed and mad at my body, that I cried myself to sleep. I seriously thought they were a myth. And then one night, after a week of diarrhea, oh... my.... god. its terrible. thank goodness mine went away after like 3 days, but I was afraid to go to the bathroom, or sit down, or talk about it."
"[what helped was] suppositories & actually using "family cloth" instead of TP! So random but it's been SO much better since."

Leakage - my milk brings all the babies to the yard
I'm sure you've heard the story of the new mom walking around the grocery store and, upon hearing a stranger's baby cry, begins to leak profusely from her breasts. However, did you know that not only is this real, but it's extremely common. Milk will leak from your chest for a good month, at least. Sometimes, it will soak through your shirt. Your sheets. Your mattress.

I remember waking up after my milk came in with my oldest. My boobs were as hard as rocks and my bed was soaked. Soaked. It was sticky and gross and I thought I was dying. I love breastfeeding and I think breastmilk is liquid gold- but it's not something I want to bathe in. I also have leaked while out in public and only noticed when I realized people were staring at two giant wet spots on my chest.

Solution: don't forget to always stuff your bras. With breast pads, that is. They make all kinds, ranging from disposable to cloth. Another solution is to make sure you nurse when baby is hungry and, usually, within a month or two - your milk supply will regulate and your breasts will become dryer. I didn't stop leaking for good until my son was 8 months old. I became used to it though and, so do most women.

Real Life Stories:
"I leak milk like crazy. I use a "Milkies" milk collector when nursing (opposite side) to collect & save milk."

Orgasmic Stimulation - in the worst situations
When you've got a fetus in process, your body helps prepare your body by increasing your blood volume. And, it increases it everywhere. There's nothing like starting the engine of your car and being met with a - er, sensation.

Solution: Wear loose fitting clothing, don't sit down, and, avoid motorcycles. Or, give it some time. This problem usually only affects women for a short time.

Real Life Stories:
" Even just a tight pair of pants does it sometimes"

Pooping - and the fear of
Everyone knows about pooping on the delivery table, and, most women fear it. However, honestly, I wouldn't know if I had. Nurses and midwives tend to clean any defecation up pretty quickly and quietly. However, the real gross situation comes after the birth. When pooping becomes scary. When the nurses give you laxatives. When you think you may split open if you allow any sort of material to come out of you again.

Solution: Relax. And, pray. Also, take some stool softeners - but DON'T over do it. You can also eat a lot of 'P' fruits.

Real Life Stories:
"the... first bowel movement after labor pretty much feels like you're pushing out another baby... I only ate beans, whole grains, dulcolax, and fruit for days."
"first poo! Terrifying but not as bad as you'd think."
"they gave me so many laxatives&stool softeners after I had [my daughter], I actually POOPED myself... I remember being terrified to take my first bowel movement though. TERRIFIED...I thought if I pooped, my stitches would burst open"

Vaginal Farting - or, 'queefing'
After you push what feels like a 7-8 pound bowling ball through your legs - you're going to realize that your vagina has changed. In more than one way. However, no one told me or even hinted that I would begin to be able to fart from there. Initially, it happened all the time. If I closed my legs too fast, air would escape from my canal and - queef. Eventually, that was a rare occasion. However, it still happens occasionally during sex and, because I act like an immature 13-year-old boy when I'm naked, I laugh every time. Which tends to throw my husband off because he's pre-occupied with things more important than the sounds coming from my vagina. I find a sense a humor really helps though.

Solution: Kegals, kegals, and - well, kegals. Before and after birth.

Real Life Stories:
"and tampons never fit properly ever again. [I know a girl who] birthed one in her sleep last week"
"Ah yes, the vag farts. [my husband] has been too kind (& smart) to say if things are different, but I know it must be, based on that..."

Urination - wetting the bed isn't just for kids, anymore
During the first trimester with my current pregnancy, I had a moment of fear when I felt liquid seep onto my underwear. I feared the worst and ran to the bathroom, assuming I would discover blood. I was so upset by the prospect of having a miscarriage - that I was almost scared to look down. When I did, I was confused and felt pretty damn goofy when I discovered I wasn't bleeding - I had just peed myself.

When your uterus is growing and moving right on in, evicting your organs to other parts of your body - it puts a ton of pressure on your bladder. It's not uncommon to pee yourself at night or to wet your panties when you sneeze.

Solution: Once again, panty-liners will help since, most of the time, the urination is kept to a minimum. Also, don't forget those kegals! They help strengthen that area, which helps give you more control over your urethra.

Vivid Sex Dreams - that make you feel like a dirty, dirty girl
Since you'll be waking up every.five.minutes to use the bathroom at some point in your pregnancy, you'll tend to remember your dreams very clearly and, because of hormones and that pesky blood volume - you may have some extremely pornographic dreams.

I felt like I was cheating on my husband. I have dreamt about having sex with the neighbor, my co-worker, my female friend, Eric -from True Blood, and Harry Potter. Most of the time, I didn't even find these people remotely attractive. However, I had a lot of sex when pregnant. Well, in my head. Once in awhile, I awoke in a sweat and apologized to my spouse - asking him to please forgive me. Poor man wasn't getting any action, yet my brain was getting a'plenty!

Solution: Once again, relax. Turn off any guilt and enjoy the moment. Who knows, maybe you'll wake up and write a romance novella and become the next Danielle Steel.

Real Life Stories:
"I have orgasms in my sleep during my first trimester. I wouldn't call that gross, though. ;)"
" I'm having definite sex dreams now! And, damn, are they VIVID"



* I hope this list helps anyone who feared that maybe their pooping issues were theirs, and, theirs alone.

If anyone has any solutions or any other 'gross' things to add - please, do!

The 2010 Twitter Babies Birth Story List

Hospital Births

Medicated
LittleBGCG gave birth to her son, Mason, on January 30th (just one day after her birthday) at 7.56am. He was born vaginally after a "delivery that took forever." He weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 21.5 inches long
FarmDaughter gave birth to her 1st child, a son named Joshua, on March 12th at 4.01pm. She had him in the hospital, vaginally, after almost 2 days of labor. Joshua weighed 9lbs 8oz and was 22 1/4 inches long
mamakaka82 gave birth to her 1st son (2nd child), Harper, on May 5th, 2010. He was 9 days late and weighed 9lbs 6oz and was 21.5 inches long
maysae gave birth to her daughter, Guinevere Noreen, on June 19th at 2.23am after 2 days of labor. She was 5lbs 15oz and 19 inches long
mommaJWoww19 gave birth to her 2nd daughter, Kendall Rose, on July 18th at 1:12pm. She was 3 weeks early and born after 18.5 hours of labor. Kendall weighed 8lbs 1oz and was 20 inches long
jessiecarvalho gave birth to her son, Brayden Joseph, on August 21st at 5.30pm. He was 8lbs 12oz and was 22inches long

Natural
beanersmama gave birth to her 1st daughter (and 2nd child), Lillyanna Kate, on January 26th at 2.22pm. She had a natural hospital birth and Lilly was 6lbs 10oz and 19.5 inches long
mamabmy gave birth to her son, Lucas Joshua, on February 9th. She had a natural birth in a hospital. Lucas was 8lbs 1oz and 20.5 inches long
JoyfulAbode gave birth to her 1st child, a daughter, Anneliese Claire on July 27th at 5.56pm. She was over 42 weeks pregnant and had a natural birth in a hospital. Anneliese was 8lbs 15oz and 20.5 inches long
astrogirl529 gave birth to her son, Heath Ronan, on August 27th at 10.53am. She had a 2 hour, drug-free labor! Heath weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long
MamaNotes gave birth to her son, Joshua, on October 27th at 10.45am. She had a natural birth in the hospital. He weighed 8lbs 9oz and was 19 inches long
forks_n_spoons gave birth to her 3rd child, a son named Caspian Manuel Antonio, on December 20th at 8.20pm. She had an epidural-free, hospital birth. Caspian weighed 7lbs 15oz and was 20.5 inches long

VBACs (Vaginal Births After Cesareans)
drpoppyBHRT gave birth to her 5th son on March 12th(?) at 5.13am via an unexpected VBAC. He weighed 7lbs 11oz

Cesareans
tiacolleen gave birth to her 3rd child (and 2nd daughter), Evelyn June, on August 9th at 12.39pm (via her 3rd cesarean). She weighed 6lbs 3oz and was 19 inches long
MarfMom gave birth to her 2nd son on December 4th at 12.14pm via Cesarean section. He was 6lbs 15oz, 20 1/4 inches long, and had long, curly brown hair

Birth Center
LyssLovingLyla gave birth to her daughter, Lyla Mackenzie, on May 26th, 2010 at 4.07pm. She had natural birth in a hospital birth center, attended by a CNM and a doula. Lyla was 7lbs 6oz and 20.5 inches long

Homebirths

Midwife-Attended
KimRosas gave birth to her son, Everett, at home, on October 20th at 6.45am - after less than 5 hours of labor (and at over 41 weeks pregnant!) He weighed 8lbs 8oz and was 20.5 inches long
iloveoxytocin gave birth to her 2nd daughter, Lucille Scarlett, at home on November 25th (Thanksgiving Day!) at 1.27pm. She weighed 7lbs 13oz and was 20 inches long
MightyMarce gave birth to her 2nd son, Quinn, on December 9th. She had a very quick and intense labor. Quinn was 8lbs 6oz, 21.5 inches long, and had a 15 inch head!

HBACs (Homebirths After Cesareans)
smola04 gave birth her her daughter, Naomi Noa, on April 25th at 9.34pm. She had an HBAC (homebirth after Cesarean) that included 3.5 hours of pushing! Naomi weighed 7lbs 4oz

Unassisted Homebirths
judgmntlhippy gave birth to her daughter, Maisie Elise, on January 25th, around 4.35am. She was born via an unassisted homebirth, weighed 9lbs 2oz and was 22 inches long
TopHat8855 gave birth to her son, Isaac, on July 17th at 7.25am. This was her 2nd unassisted birth. Isaac weighed 9lbs 5oz and was 21 inches long

The "Everyone on Twitter is Having Babies" List 2010

BIRTHS

2010
JANUARY
1xMum gave birth to her daughter, Matilda Elizabeth (aka Tilly), on January 7th - at 34 weeks pregnant. She had a heavily managed, vaginal birth after an induction (due to heart problems) that only took 6 hours. Tilly weighed 6lbs 1oz and was 20 inches long
judgmntlhippy gave birth to her daughter, Maisie Elise, on January 25th, around 4.35am. She was born via an unassisted homebirth, weighed 9lbs 2oz and was 22 inches long
beanersmama gave birth to her 1st daughter (and 2nd child), Lillyanna Kate, on January 26th at 2.22pm. She had a natural hospital birth and Lilly was 6lbs 10oz and 19.5 inches long
erdmami gave birth to her son, Benjamin, on February 26th at 1.30am (via a C-section). He was 7lbs 1oz and 20.5 inches long
LittleBGCG gave birth to her son, Mason, on January 30th (just one day after her birthday) at 7.56am. He was born vaginally after a "delivery that took forever." He weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 21.5 inches long

FEBRUARY
mamabmy gave birth to her son, Lucas Joshua, on February 9th. She had a natural birth in a hospital. Lucas was 8lbs 1oz and 20.5 inches long
(TWITTER'S BIGGEST BABY - 10lbs 4oz) SintahValentine gave birth to her son, Sebastian, on February 14th - Valentine's Day! He weighed 10lbs 4oz and was 22.5 inches long

MARCH
FarmDaughter gave birth to her 1st child, a son named Joshua, on March 12th at 4.01pm. She had him in the hospital, vaginally, after almost 2 days of labor. Joshua weighed 9lbs 8oz and was 22 1/4 inches long
drpoppyBHRT gave birth to her 5th son on March 12th(?) at 5.13am via an unexpected VBAC. He weighed 7lbs 11oz
anonyMOMous had her daughter, Adalyn, on March 17th. She had a natural birth in a hospital attended by a midwife and a doula. Adalyn weighed 6lbs 7oz and was 20 inches long

APRIL
SBeeCreations gave birth to her 2nd child, her first boy, Matteo, on April 18th at 11.23pm. She had an unmedicated, vaginal birth in a hospital. Matteo was 7lbs 7oz and 20 inches long
smola04 gave birth her her daughter, Naomi Noa, on April 25th at 9.34pm. She had an HBAC (homebirth after Cesarean) that included 3.5 hours of pushing! Naomi weighed 7lbs 4oz

MAY
mamakaka82 gave birth to her 1st son (2nd child), Harper, on May 5th, 2010. He was 9 days late and weighed 9lbs 6oz and was 21.5 inches long
LyssLovingLyla gave birth to her daughter, Lyla Mackenzie, on May 26th, 2010 at 4.07pm. She had natural birth in a hospital birth center, attended by a CNM and a doula. Lyla was 7lbs 6oz and 20.5 inches long


JUNE

addierama gave birth to her 4th son (via her 4th c-section) on June 9th, at 10.31am. He was 6lbs 8oz and 20 inches long

windwardskies gave birth to her 3rd son, Oliver, on June 14th (17 days early!) at 6.08am. She had a home waterbirth that was only 5 hours long. Oliver weighed 8lbs 12oz and was 21 3/4 inches long


vintageDOULA gave birth to her son, Fionn, in an amazing waterbirth in her living room. He was 6lbs 12oz and 19 inches long


maysae gave birth to her daughter, Guinevere Noreen, on June 19th at 2.23am after 2 days of labor. She was 5lbs 15oz and 19 inches long

JULY
TopHat8855 gave birth to her son, Isaac, on July 17th at 7.25am. This was her 2nd unassisted birth. Isaac weighed 9lbs 5oz and was 21 inches long
mommaJWoww19 gave birth to her 2nd daughter, Kendall Rose, on July 18th at 1:12pm. She was 3 weeks early and born after 18.5 hours of labor. Kendall weighed 8lbs 1oz and was 20 inches long
lakeline gave birth to her daughter, Lily, on July 20th - naturally (using Hypnobabies). Lily was 10lbs even and 20 inches long
Johnna_Mama gave birth to her son, Cayden, on July 24th at 12.47pm. He was 7lbs even, 19 inches long and was born vaginally in a hospital
JoyfulAbode gave birth to her 1st child, a daughter, Anneliese Claire on July 27th at 5.56pm. She was over 42 weeks pregnant and had a natural birth in a hospital. Anneliese was 8lbs 15oz and 20.5 inches long

AUGUST
heartsandhandss gave birth to her son Tyrion Caelith, on August 5th. He was born at 13 weeks and 5 days gestation. She has shown amazing strength by pumping and donating breastmilk since the loss of her son
llamacroft gave birth to her son, Alfred Clement, on August 9th at 7.02am. She had a natural hypnobirth in the water. Alfred weighed 8lbs 11oz
tiacolleen gave birth to her 3rd child (and 2nd daughter), Evelyn June, on August 9th at 12.39pm (via her 3rd cesarean). She weighed 6lbs 3oz and was 19 inches long
jessiecarvalho gave birth to her son, Brayden Joseph, on August 21st at 5.30pm. He was 8lbs 12oz and was 22inches long
astrogirl529 gave birth to her son, Heath Ronan, on August 27th at 10.53am. She had a 2 hour, drug-free labor! Heath weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 20 inches long


SEPTEMBER

Livsmom08 gave birth to her second daughter, Norah, on September 13th at 11.35am. She was born via Cesarean after a long trial-of-labor and a VBAC attempt. She weighed 7lbs 14oz and was 20 inches long
CrunchyVTMommy gave birth to her daughter, Cameron Grace, on September 26th. She weighed 8lbs 11oz and was 20.5 inches long

OCTOBER
KimRosas gave birth to her son, Everett, at home, on October 20th at 6.45am - after less than 5 hours of labor (and at over 41 weeks pregnant!) He weighed 8lbs 8oz and was 20.5 inches long
MamaNotes gave birth to her son, Joshua, on October 27th at 10.45am. She had a natural birth in the hospital. He weighed 8lbs 9oz and was 19 inches long

NOVEMBER
auphelia gave birth to her son, Daniel Tristan, on November 20th (her birthday!) at 3.07pm via Cesarean section. He was born at 37weeks and 4days and was 8lbs 9oz and 20 inches long!
iloveoxytocin gave birth to her 2nd daughter, Lucille Scarlett, at home on November 25th (Thanksgiving Day!) at 1.27pm. She weighed 7lbs 13oz and was 20 inches long

DECEMBER
MarfMom gave birth to her 2nd son on December 4th at 12.14pm via Cesarean section. He was 6lbs 15oz, 20 1/4 inches long, and had long, curly brown hair
MightyMarce gave birth to her 2nd son, Quinn, on December 9th. She had a very quick and intense labor. Quinn was 8lbs 6oz, 21.5 inches long, and had a 15 inch head!
mamadweeb gave birth to her daughter, Lucy, on December 15th at 7.42am via repeat Cesarean section. She was 8lbs 6oz and 21 inches long
forks_n_spoons gave birth to her 3rd child, a son named Caspian Manuel Antonio, on December 20th at 8.20pm. She had an epidural-free, hospital birth. Caspian weighed 7lbs 15oz and was 20.5 inches long
(TWITTER'S LITTLEST BABY - 5lbs 1oz) woodbetony gave birth to her son, at 33 weeks pregnant, on December 28th. He weighed 5lbs 1oz and was 17 inches long

Losses

Never forgotten...

August - girliemama at 7 weeks, her due date would have been April 13th
August 8th - ToniRaquel at 6 weeks, her due date would have been April 2nd
August 5th - heartsandhandss gave birth to her son, Tyrion Caelith, at 13 weeks and 5 days
May 26th - ToniRaquel at 5 1/2 weeks, her due date would have been January 29th
May 3rd - WeatherGirlKena at 7 weeks pregnant
April 28th - heartsandhandss - her due date would have been December 27th
March - Lynchmama at 9 weeks and 3 days, her due date would have been October 10th
March - ChildbirthEdu at 10 weeks

*to be added to the "Losses" section, please feel free to leave a comment or email me at Cassiethedoula@gmail.com