anticipation - and why it does no good

I have a client who is at the 37 week mark. She really wanted a homebirth but, due to Georgia being the way Georgia is, she's having a natural, hospital birth. Anyone who has, or who has tried, to give birth naturally in a hospital-setting knows this is no easy task. It's why I often claim that doulas are necessary birth support for women who plan intervention&medication-free births with doctors. My client is going to show up to the hospital to push, though - which will make fighting off any possibility of IVs and epidurals a lot easier. However, she lives 3 hours north of me. Knowing how important her natural birth is, and knowing how badly I want to be there, I find myself on my toes. I am awaiting a phone call, checking in via e-mail, and trying to find out if she's feeling any signs of early labor.

We e-mail each other often (both having two children, our phone conversations can become quite disruptive), and she recently discussed with me how concerned she is that she will go into labor before her mother-in-law gets into town to babysit her older children. How she is worried about how her husband will react, and how she's stressed she'll go into labor during the day - when her kids are still awake.

Jump backward in time a day, when I tweeted furiously about being nervous beyond sanity about a dental appointment. A dear "internet-friend" of mine responded by telling me to, "release what is not in your control." She went on to tell me that anticipation was, essentially, useless. Immediately, I felt better because she was right.

Stress and anxiety are often defined as the anticipation of an event. Often, when a woman is in labor (particularly, in transition) - she will need to be told, "You have to let go." Once a woman releases herself of hiding and fighting the pain, once she stops anticipating the next contraction - she can release herself from that control. In every birth I have seen, where a woman just accepts her birth in the way that it is, when she stops trying to run away - she begins pushing within a matter of minutes.

It makes sense that this same principle be applied to all aspects of life. Anticipation is the feeling of anxiousness. Anxiety causes heart problems, high blood pressure, headaches, and shortness of breath - amongst other things. What if we just let go of the stress of things that are off in the future? Instead of anticipating the future, what if we promised to just focus on the events as they happen?

I e-mailed my client back and told her, "there is no way to guarantee you won't have the baby before your mother-in-law is there, so don't anticipate what you can't control. Release yourself from that. I know it's hard, but you have to let go of stuff that is not in your ability to change... let [your birth team] stress about [everything]. You have one job and that one job is to birth your baby. We will take care of the rest."

So, I followed my own advice. I handled the things that I could - I charged my camera, printed off directions, and packed my doula bags. However, I don't want to sit there and wonder every second if her baby is on the way. It does me no good, just like it would do her no good. Once she calls, I will take care of things. Labor, and life, are not predictable. It's more sensible to just take care of things as they fall.

Funny that it took a "dental doula" to make me realize how important it is to release yourself and just let go.

Give it a try. You'll feel better.

where will YOU give birth?

First: please, take my poll ---->

Second: where have you given birth to the children you have now? (If you have any)

Third: will where you give birth to any future children?

Fourth: why?



I'm going to write a post later with my reason for having a homebirth and I'm going to write a response to the poll results.

For now, your help and answers are much appreciated!

bad doula: the doula who knew better

I forgot to hire a doula.

Mind you, I'm only 13 weeks pregnant and I have some time before I am set to give birth. However, I also know that I should have hired one before I left Arizona. Now, I will have around 2 months to find a doula when I get back.
The reason I forgot to hire one is because I forgot I needed one. Or, even worse, I thought I didn't need one.

I know. bad doula.

It's hard to explain. I know doulas are amazing, and I'm not just tooting my own horn. Ask any woman who has had a doula and she'll tell you that they made a difference in either a small way or in the biggest way possible. They help. It's obvious.

Maybe, for a weird reason or another, I considered myself immune to doulas. I plan to have a lot of people at my birth. I know a ton of women who have never witnessed a birth like the one I am having, and I feel honored to have them there. I also feel more comfortable in groups - and I know I won't have an issue telling people to get the Hell out if I change my mind. I have people there who will give massages and rub my back. They will fill the birth tub and get me water. Take photos and video tape.

(doing the doula thing and rubbing some feet)

I know doulas do emotional too. However, as my husband said, I "know all their mind tricks." I know what they might say and I figured this was a disadvantage. Then it hit me.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I've never had a homebirth. I'm terrified of transfer. I'm terrified that I will change my mind. I fear the unknown and, though I have seen homebirths up close and personal - I have never had one. The only people at my birth who have witnessed a homebirth are my midwives and, God willingly, if she can make it - my friend over at Birth Faith.

So, why was I convincing myself I didn't need a doula? My job is normally to convince women and men that they do need a doula. In spite of my knowledge and even though I "know" what doulas say and I "know" what they do - I need that.

I am probably going to say something like, "I'm scared"
and I need someone to say, "I'm here."

I am probably going to say something like, "It hurts too much"
and I need someone to say, "I know, but it won't hurt forever."

I am probably going to say something like, "I can't do this"
and I need someone to say, "But, you are. And, you can. And, you will."


I then sat there, pouring over names of doulas and thinking, "Damn. I'm picky." Then I questioned - wait. Are most people this picky? Are people this choosy when they opt for me as their doula? Just as I was contemplating this notion, a client of mine back in Arizona, who is pregnant with a 2nd and planning a VBAC delivery, sent me this message on Facebook:

"[my husband] said he feels confident in being my doula since we can't have you. He's kind of funny that way, it's hard for him to connect and feel comfortable with people. That's why his instant comfort with you was very unlike him but quite a blessing.

I wish you could be here too...but I know it will all work out."



First and foremost, bring on the doula guilt! I wish I never had to move because then I would never have to leave my clients. Secondly, wow. My job just felt even more important than the pedestal I thought I was already putting it on. Three - I need that. Of course I need that, and, of course, I have the right to be picky.

So, doulas - did you have doulas? Will you?

Or non-doulas - what did you think about your doula if you had one. If you didn't - did you wish you did?

And, most importantly, how did/how would you choose your doula?

The Gross (Normal) Things in Pregnancy That No One Talks About (but should!)

When I became pregnant with my oldest, I was told about the swollen feet, the morning sickness, and the glowing skin (and, after 3 pregnancies - I am still waiting for said 'glowing skin'). However, there were many things that I was not prepared for. Things that I found utterly embarrassing. Did I really want to ask my friends if it was normal to pee myself, should I ask my OB if frequent farts were normal, and just exactly where was that smell coming from? Unfortunately, the Feds must have locked up and censored all of these 'dirty, nasty' things and silenced everyone with fear of being improper.

Well, 'eff being proper.

So, with the assistance of Twitter and friends and family - I wrote this as a way to provide preparation, hope, help, and advice through my List of Disgusting and Embarrassing Side Effects of Gestation.

Burping - like a drunk man
I will never forget how I scarred the pizza boy during my current pregnancy, when I opened the door and, without saying a word, proceeded to burp loudly in his face. Twice. I apologized, but the look he gave me was priceless. I haven't ordered Pizza Hut since.

Mind you, I burp with reason. With all of my children, I have had morning sickness and the easiest, quickest way to kick my nausea right in the groin is to drink root beer and burp until my stomach feels better. Unfortunately, there is something about pregnancy that makes your gas loud and smelly - no matter the route or the exit ramp. This sometimes makes me wonder if I should be waddling around with a beer gut, belly shirt, and trucker hat - but, for now, I would rather burp in the face of a delivery man than puke.

Solution - Accept your fate. If you're a burper - it's just gonna happen, preggo. Usually, it lightens up after the 1st trimester on it's own. You can also try Tums or other calcium supplements, which may help.

Real Life Stories:
"You should write about when you think you're going to burp and then you throw up in your mouth. Kind of like sharting, but instead of [pooping] when you fart, you puke when your burp :( I think it's almost worse than just regular puking because it's gone up my nose before. At least if I know I'm going to puke, I can adequately prepare for the unblessed event. 'Purking' is just unfair."

Constipation - like whoa
If pregnancy-induced insomnia is nature's way of preparing your body for sleepless nights with a newborn, than pregnancy-induced constipation is nature's way of preparing your body to push out a baby.

I'm glad I poop alone, because I fear people would call an ambulance and tell them, "she's having a baby! In the bathroom!" I scream, I grunt, and I say, "Come on, owww..." I change positions, I try to relax, and - towards the end - I definitely give up and say, "I can't do this anymore!" I don't have a choice though - and I persevere. After the final push, I feel relief and gratitude - proclaiming, "I did it! I DID IT!" I am so ready to have this baby. Thanks, constipation.

Solution: Water. Drink tons and tons of it. If you were a caffeine-aholic before becoming pregnant, don't quit cold turkey. Wean yourself, which would make it so you don't plug yourself up. You want to stay away from laxatives, but most over-the-counter stool softeners are safe (but, as always, consult your midwife or OB before starting any sort of medication)

Discharge - this requires no witty subtext
You know how nasty comics are always claiming that vaginas smell like fish? Well... heh. You may be surprised and, in my case, mortified, at what comes out of your vagina when pregnant. It's discharge, but it changes color (pink, brown, white, yellow...), consistency, and scent. Usually, on a daily basis. There's also a lot of it. A lot.

Solution: You know how you were so excited when you realized you wouldn't have a period for 9 months, and you thought that meant you would stay away from all sorts of menstruation products? Think again. I keep a supply of panty-liners, usually opting for the scented ones since the smell of discharge has made me gag. For more eco-friendly moms, you can try cloth pads - which tend to reduce the smell of discharge as well.

Flatulence - uncontrollable, obvious flatulence
You know those really, gross, loud farts that your husband blames on the dog you don't have? Or, in my case, on the baby? His farts have nothing on pregnancy farts. As women, we tend to have quiet, usually discreet, farts. However, when pregnant - this all changes.

They're LOUD. EXTREMELY loud. There is no "I-think-I-may-fart" sensations - this just come, out of nowhere. Without an invitation, without warning. They also smell, and, they smell badly.

Don't think these ones will go away once you're un-pregnant, either. These farts can follow you well past the post-partum period.

Solutions: Avoid greasy, spicy foods (if, your cravings will allow you). In my case, I was able to escape embarrassment because, after the first time my husband made fun of one of my louder "toots" - I burst into crazy, psycho, hormonal sobs. After that episode, he began to take the blame for me when I was having a gassy moment in public.

Real life stories:

"I wish someone would tell me 'by the way, you may fart ALL THE TIME."
" no one told me about the post partum uncontrollable farting either"
"I teach yoga and even 1yr post partum I have to be careful & hold things extra tight in certain poses. Otherwise..I've let out a few choice sounds in front of an entire yoga class. I don't react & just hope people couldn't tell who."
"I also farted my life away while in labour which was excruciatingly embarrassing. I had an epi so no pain to distract me. Also I was up in stirrups for ages. Poor midwives :-("
"I farted in my OBs face during an exam once. Luckily, he pretended like he didn't hear it"

Hemorrhoids - they really DO exist
I've never experienced these personally, so I'm leaving this one up to the personal stories:

Real Life Stories:
"I actually didn't have them until AFTER birth (from pushing, I'm assuming). It was very uncomfortable. Vaseline [helped] and I've heard that [Sitz Baths] can help"
" I've never had them, and then last week out of NOWHERE, surprise!!! I was seriously so shocked and embarrassed and mad at my body, that I cried myself to sleep. I seriously thought they were a myth. And then one night, after a week of diarrhea, oh... my.... god. its terrible. thank goodness mine went away after like 3 days, but I was afraid to go to the bathroom, or sit down, or talk about it."
"[what helped was] suppositories & actually using "family cloth" instead of TP! So random but it's been SO much better since."

Leakage - my milk brings all the babies to the yard
I'm sure you've heard the story of the new mom walking around the grocery store and, upon hearing a stranger's baby cry, begins to leak profusely from her breasts. However, did you know that not only is this real, but it's extremely common. Milk will leak from your chest for a good month, at least. Sometimes, it will soak through your shirt. Your sheets. Your mattress.

I remember waking up after my milk came in with my oldest. My boobs were as hard as rocks and my bed was soaked. Soaked. It was sticky and gross and I thought I was dying. I love breastfeeding and I think breastmilk is liquid gold- but it's not something I want to bathe in. I also have leaked while out in public and only noticed when I realized people were staring at two giant wet spots on my chest.

Solution: don't forget to always stuff your bras. With breast pads, that is. They make all kinds, ranging from disposable to cloth. Another solution is to make sure you nurse when baby is hungry and, usually, within a month or two - your milk supply will regulate and your breasts will become dryer. I didn't stop leaking for good until my son was 8 months old. I became used to it though and, so do most women.

Real Life Stories:
"I leak milk like crazy. I use a "Milkies" milk collector when nursing (opposite side) to collect & save milk."

Orgasmic Stimulation - in the worst situations
When you've got a fetus in process, your body helps prepare your body by increasing your blood volume. And, it increases it everywhere. There's nothing like starting the engine of your car and being met with a - er, sensation.

Solution: Wear loose fitting clothing, don't sit down, and, avoid motorcycles. Or, give it some time. This problem usually only affects women for a short time.

Real Life Stories:
" Even just a tight pair of pants does it sometimes"

Pooping - and the fear of
Everyone knows about pooping on the delivery table, and, most women fear it. However, honestly, I wouldn't know if I had. Nurses and midwives tend to clean any defecation up pretty quickly and quietly. However, the real gross situation comes after the birth. When pooping becomes scary. When the nurses give you laxatives. When you think you may split open if you allow any sort of material to come out of you again.

Solution: Relax. And, pray. Also, take some stool softeners - but DON'T over do it. You can also eat a lot of 'P' fruits.

Real Life Stories:
"the... first bowel movement after labor pretty much feels like you're pushing out another baby... I only ate beans, whole grains, dulcolax, and fruit for days."
"first poo! Terrifying but not as bad as you'd think."
"they gave me so many laxatives&stool softeners after I had [my daughter], I actually POOPED myself... I remember being terrified to take my first bowel movement though. TERRIFIED...I thought if I pooped, my stitches would burst open"

Vaginal Farting - or, 'queefing'
After you push what feels like a 7-8 pound bowling ball through your legs - you're going to realize that your vagina has changed. In more than one way. However, no one told me or even hinted that I would begin to be able to fart from there. Initially, it happened all the time. If I closed my legs too fast, air would escape from my canal and - queef. Eventually, that was a rare occasion. However, it still happens occasionally during sex and, because I act like an immature 13-year-old boy when I'm naked, I laugh every time. Which tends to throw my husband off because he's pre-occupied with things more important than the sounds coming from my vagina. I find a sense a humor really helps though.

Solution: Kegals, kegals, and - well, kegals. Before and after birth.

Real Life Stories:
"and tampons never fit properly ever again. [I know a girl who] birthed one in her sleep last week"
"Ah yes, the vag farts. [my husband] has been too kind (& smart) to say if things are different, but I know it must be, based on that..."

Urination - wetting the bed isn't just for kids, anymore
During the first trimester with my current pregnancy, I had a moment of fear when I felt liquid seep onto my underwear. I feared the worst and ran to the bathroom, assuming I would discover blood. I was so upset by the prospect of having a miscarriage - that I was almost scared to look down. When I did, I was confused and felt pretty damn goofy when I discovered I wasn't bleeding - I had just peed myself.

When your uterus is growing and moving right on in, evicting your organs to other parts of your body - it puts a ton of pressure on your bladder. It's not uncommon to pee yourself at night or to wet your panties when you sneeze.

Solution: Once again, panty-liners will help since, most of the time, the urination is kept to a minimum. Also, don't forget those kegals! They help strengthen that area, which helps give you more control over your urethra.

Vivid Sex Dreams - that make you feel like a dirty, dirty girl
Since you'll be waking up every.five.minutes to use the bathroom at some point in your pregnancy, you'll tend to remember your dreams very clearly and, because of hormones and that pesky blood volume - you may have some extremely pornographic dreams.

I felt like I was cheating on my husband. I have dreamt about having sex with the neighbor, my co-worker, my female friend, Eric -from True Blood, and Harry Potter. Most of the time, I didn't even find these people remotely attractive. However, I had a lot of sex when pregnant. Well, in my head. Once in awhile, I awoke in a sweat and apologized to my spouse - asking him to please forgive me. Poor man wasn't getting any action, yet my brain was getting a'plenty!

Solution: Once again, relax. Turn off any guilt and enjoy the moment. Who knows, maybe you'll wake up and write a romance novella and become the next Danielle Steel.

Real Life Stories:
"I have orgasms in my sleep during my first trimester. I wouldn't call that gross, though. ;)"
" I'm having definite sex dreams now! And, damn, are they VIVID"



* I hope this list helps anyone who feared that maybe their pooping issues were theirs, and, theirs alone.

If anyone has any solutions or any other 'gross' things to add - please, do!

Guinevere

I love getting to attend births - especially when they're my friends' births.

Guinevere was born after an induction that resulted in a 2-day-labor (and, her mom, Maysa, went without an epidural till the very end!) It was an exhausting birth just to watch! The photos were fun to take, though.

(Also, I want to note: I just took these photos, I left the editing to Maysa since she's also a photographer - and I'd want to edit the photos from my own birth)

(This was still on Day One - before things really picked up)

Guinevere Noreen
June 19th
2.23am
5lbs 15oz
19 inches

Maysa's Birth Slideshow
Maysa's Birth Story

morning sickness - what's your advice?

If I had a quarter for every day I threw up with my first 2 pregnancies - I'd probably have somewhere around $80.00. And, maybe if I were eighty dollars richer - I would have felt better.

This pregnancy, I have thrown up far less - but felt far, far worse. I am nauseous from the moment I wake up, until the moment I fall asleep. I consistently walk around with a bad taste in my mouth and what feels like a working dryer in my stomach.

Here's a list of things that I have tried:

protein before bed - this works for making it so I am not vomiting immediately upon waking. After that, my protein intake does little to keep me highly functional throughout the day
frequent, small meals - this is easier said than done, when every time I think about food I want to cry myself to sleep
sea bands - ha! I thought these would work because they cured my motion sickness while on a cruise I took earlier this year. Apparently, that's where their helpfulness ends
carbonation - this is my favorite. Root Beer makes me burp, which makes me feel better. Unfortunately, soda is also bad for pregnant women. A win/lose
peppermint - this only works while I'm currently ingesting it. I don't like tea and I feel silly walking around with peppermint in my mouth all day
preggo pops - the taste made me want to vomit when I wasn't pregnant
a hot bath - in the once a decade that an opportunity for me to take a hot bath occurs, it works beautifully. Once again, however, only for the duration that I am in the water
crackers - I ate an entire bag of crackers today and all I felt was incredibly hungry

I pray that one of these solutions works for you. I've found a combination of all of them does me okay. With the assistance of Zofran injections, I have moved from "low-functioning" to "decently crabby."

I don't mean to complain, but I am pregnant - so it's partially a rite of passage. I also have accepted my fate as just being one of those women who gets sick when she's gestating. I'm thankful that, with each pregnancy, it has gotten easier. I just don't like it being there at all. I don't know what person enjoys being nauseous, though. So...

For all the women, like me, who feel they have tried everything and nothing works - I ask of you, ladies, what tips and tricks do you have up your sleeves to combat that pesky "morning" sickness?

why I take medication, but deny interventions

**(disclaimer: I know natural birth isn't for everyone, this was specifically written from my POV of the experience. So no one go off and get offended now)**

I've had a lot of people express doubt when I proclaim, "I'm having a natural birth" because, well, they know me.

If I have a headache, I take an aspirin. When I suffered from migraines, I took Imitrex (and, on occasion, Demerol). I've popped Percocet for juvenile arthritis (thanks, pointe ballet) and Xanax to help me sleep. Now that I'm pregnant, I still take Celexa to combat bi-polar disorder and I recently filled a script for Zofran because I had hyperemesis with my previous babes and I'm not doing that again.

So, why on Earth would I avoid medication and pain relief during childbirth?

Because it's not a medical condition.

I don't need Pitocin or Cervadil because my baby and body know exactly when they're ready and at what speed my labor should progress.

I do need Zofran because natural methods don't work and my body needs to maintain the right nutrients in order to grow a healthy baby.

I don't need Penicillan because the risks of another thrush infection are far greater than my risks of passing GBS on to my child.

I do need Celexa, because the risks of my bi-polar disorder not being controlled are far more dangerous than the possibility of the drug passing through my placenta.

I don't need Stadol because all it does is make me loopy and forget what's happening.

I do need the occasional Tylenol because it helps me focus when my head isn't killing me.

The biggest "are you crazy?!?!?" question, of course, comes from people asking why I would choose to not get a needle dug into my spinal cord. Not only that, but I am going to be giving birth at a location where I won't even be able to get the epidural when I ask for it, because, of course I'll ask for it. You know, no woman in her right mind likes pain.

I'm no exception. Obviously, I can't stand pain.

I often hear the analogy "would you have a tooth pulled without pain meds?" (especially from my mother-in-law, who, ironically, was the oral surgeon's assistant when I was having my wisdom teeth taken out). So, she knows this answer. No, I would not go without pain medication to have my teeth pulled. I had twilight anesthesia and popped every pain medication they gave me after the fact. I had to return to work and I wasn't going to be talking to customers on the phone while wallowing in pain.

So, why is birth different?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN ILLNESS.

I don't think God (or Nature or the High-Elf Priestess, or whatever you believe) intended for us to have our teeth pulled. He/She/It however did intend for women to give birth. Our bodies were designed perfectly to create, form, grow, and deliver an infant. The pain of childbirth is not without purpose - it was put there for a reason. Pain tells you how to move and where to apply pressure. Women with posterior babies feel relief when they rotate their hips, which helps turn the baby. Pain tells a woman when to push, and when she feels those sensations, she can help prevent herself from tearing.

It's also fair to say that, of course, there are dangers involved with getting pain relief when in labor. Doctors will often say, "There aren't many risks to an epidural" - and they're right, there aren't a lot of direct risks related to an epidural. However, they forget to tell you that epidurals increase the likelihood that you'll have Pitocin - which carries its own risks. You'll have an increased chance of a forcep or vacuum assisted delivery - which carry their own risks. You're at a greater chance of fetal distress and, of course, Cesarean delivery - which has a multitude of risks.

Considering I am pregnant and not sick, diseased, or dying - I feel that the pain of childbirth is very much so worth every second that I have the ability to move throughout labor, every second that I avoid induction, every second that I get further away from a scalpel, and every second that my newborn baby looks into my eyes - alert and awake.

Childbirth can not be compared to an illness, because it isn't one. It is not something that needs to be "fixed." It is something that needs to be felt. Especially by those who want it.

Ricki Lake says it best in her movie The Business of Being Born.

“I love pain medication, I love numbing myself. I don't want to feel even a headache. I'm that person, too. But when it came to giving birth, it wasn't an illness, it wasn't something that needed to be numbed. It was something to be experienced.”