Luca's Birth in Pictures (Part 1)

All photos were taken courtesy of www.maysaphotography.com

I feel like the photos really speak for themselves, so I offer no descriptions. You can read my birth story here.

Luca's Birth Story

I'm trying to write this while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm still kind of in awe of everything that happened.

Two days before I had Luca, I lost my mucus plug and then lost more of it in bits and pieces the following day. I had a few contractions that just screamed, "These are different!" and I had the urge to call my midwife. I don't know why, because I knew that losing my mucus plug didn't mean anything, but I just had this intuition-like feeling that I needed to give her a head's up.

On Thursday&Friday, I got some important things done. I picked up the carseat and finished shopping for my daughter's Hayden's birthday present. I confirmed the information about Hayden's party. I cleaned my room.

Friday night, I had some weird pressure/pain. It was really bothering me, so I decided to take a shower and try to go to bed. I texted my friend, Maysa, and told her, "I don't know what's happening to me, but, it hurts. My legs, pelvis, and back hurt." It didn't feel like tightening, it felt ... weird. I felt like I desperately had to poop. Throughout the night, a contraction would wake me up and I'd go to sit down on the toilet. Finally, I pooped - and I felt so much better. I then had a contraction that woke me up at 5am and I couldn't go back to sleep.

I knew that I had to get up out of my bed at 5.30am. Unfortunately, my 2-year-old, Vincent, who had been in my bed, woke up too. I woke up my mom, who was there to keep an eye on my kids for the birth, and we went downstairs. I ended up on my hands and knees on the couch, contracting every 3-5minutes. It still didn't FEEL like contractions - it felt like a burning period cramp. I told my mom that I didn't remember contractions feeling like this. I was silent when working through them and I was talking in-between them, so I told my mom that it was too soon to call Mary (my midwife).

My mom called anyway and she asked me, "how painful are they on a scale from 1-10?" while I was having one. I said, kind of tense, "I don't know. 6 or 7?" I was annoyed that she asked me while I was contracting. Mary told my mom that she was getting dressed and she'd be right over. I then announced that I hate that stupid pain scale.

I decided to call my friends, Sarah & Maysa, but they both had an hour drive ahead of them and I didn't want them to leave if I wasn't in true labor - since my contractions felt so "different." I told them both that I'd call them back after Mary checked me. I remember scoffing/laughing when I spoke with Sarah, and then thinking, "There's no way I'm giving birth today. I'm in a good mood!" When I spoke with Maysa, I ended the conversation with, "I need to go before I have another contraction."

Vincent was awake the entire time and, surprisingly, didn't bother me. He sat with me a few times and hugged me. The damn cat came out into the living room, though, and SHE bothered me. I made my mom chase her down and lock her upstairs.

Alice, my mother-in-law (and who's home I gave birth in!) had been dropping a friend off at the airport and came home extremely surprised to find the house well-lit. When she figured out what was happening, she kind of squealed with delight. I had been coming from the bathroom, which always caused a heckuva contraction, and she embraced me in this excited hug. I returned to the couch and got back on my hands and knees and Alice asked me, "How are you feeling?" It annoyed the crap out of me and she must have seen my emotions on my face, because she left me alone.

Alice got kind of panicky in this moment and was asking my mom about what they should do. Luckily, Mary got there and eased the tension. I finished up a contraction (which I was still moving through silently at this point) and then we went to the bedroom. I expressed my concerns with Mary, that I wasn't very far along. I told her that my contractions felt "weird" and she said, very matter-of-factly, "I know." She remembered that I didn't want to know how many centimeters dilated that I was, so when she checked me, she said, "the baby's head is right there and your bag is bulging." She wanted to check me through a contraction, and I wasn't able to be silent through that one. Mary asked, "that wasn't a very strong one, was it?" and I said, "no - but it hurt really badly because I'm on my back." She then turned to Alice and said, "let's set everything up." She told me that when I felt like getting in the pool, just to let her know, and she'd check me again. After I had Luca, I learned that when she had checked me, I was 6cm.

I had my mom call Maysa, Sarah, and my doula, Victoria. I went upstairs to shower (and shouted from atop the stairs, "Oh, and call my husband!") The water felt so wonderful, but I hated having to stand. I remember thinking, "This is why people want to be in the birth pools." I put on my birth skirt and my sports bra and went downstairs. I asked for my mom to grab the exercise ball, and I sat on that, leaning against the bed. One of the birth assistant's checked the baby's heartrate (perfect) and then they continued to set up the bed and fill the pool. I was starting to make a little bit of noise during my contractions, but not too much. I didn't think they hurt that badly. Especially since the birth ball took pressure off my pelvis, and I was able to sway my hips. I swear on my life that contractions hurt less when you're at home.

Victoria got there and I asked her if she knew how to do french braids since I had a feeling that Maysa wasn't going to get there in time to do them. She did, and she pulled my hair back for me as I sat on the ball. It was distracting, which was nice. When she went to start on the second braid, I had a contraction that I really had to moan through. She told me, "I could tell that one was different." I chalked it up to it being a double-peak contraction. Around this time, my mom brought Hayden in and I gave her a hug. Vincent ran into a few times and then Andrea showed up. I told her, kind of harshly, to "get them out of here." I remember feeling extremely exasperated that no one was keeping them out of the room. My mom and Alice kept asking me questions, and I got extremely frustrated with them as well (do you know how hard it is to answer questions while you're in labor?) I know they were trying to be helpful, but I was not in the state of mind to think about whether I wanted to eat or not. After awhile, everyone seemed to realize that I wasn't going to be holding any valuable conversations.

I told Victoria that my butt really hurt and I thought it was because the baby was so low and my bag was bulging. She applied counter pressure with a tennis ball, and it felt heavenly. After another contraction that made me moan and groan, I requested to get in the pool. Mary asked me if I wanted to be checked, and I said no. She then said, "if you feel like getting in the pool, get in the pool!" I just stripped my skirt off at this point and sat in the water. It felt soooooo good. It wasn't deep enough, however, and I asked Victoria to fill it up more. She told me, "It's coming out ice cold. I'm going to have to go put a pot on the stove." I moaned through another contraction and then started laughing. I turned to her and said, "The faucet! It's backwards." I had forgotten that detail. She turned it the other direction and we got some hot water going. Once the water was over my butt, my "problem area," it felt awesome. Well, it didn't feel "nice" but it didn't hurt so much.

Victoria asked me if I wanted Sarah - who had just shown up- in the room, and I said yes. At this point, the only people in the bathroom were Victoria, Sarah, and me. It was really, really nice. I was extremely happy to see Sarah and I remember really wanting to be able to hold someone's hand - so I was really glad when Sarah offered hers. I also remember asking her to get my camera because no one had gotten any photos yet and one of my biggest fears was not getting a single photo of the birth. At some point, Alice came in and asked if I wanted music and all I could do was shake my head "no." Victoria mentioned that I wanted quiet. Somewhere in here, I saw that Maysa (who was photographing the birth) had shown up. I remember thinking, "Awesome. Photos" and that I was in a bad position for pictures - but, frankly, I didn't care. I was leaning over the pool with my head down and I didn't want to move.

It was amazing how out of this world I felt. Like I was in some distant universe. I did not care about how long my contractions were lasting, or how far apart they were. I didn't care how many I had. I didn't even care what time it was. All that mattered was what was happening to me at that moment.

During my contractions, I would just moan through them and sway my hips. I kept thinking that I couldn't be that far along because I still felt "aware" and 'with it.' However, I started crying. I don't even know why. It hurt, but was still manageable. Yet, I just started crying. I remember Victoria was really with it and got me tissues. I also remember passing my snotty tissues on to Sarah and feeling bad that she had to take them from me. I was holding back, so I was glad when Victoria told me, "sometimes, we just need a good cry. Just cry. Let it all out now." So, I did.

Mary came in at some point and told me that she could check me in the pool or on the bed. She then said something about how I didn't want to birth in the water. Victoria repeated what Mary said to me and included that I could change my mind (about birthing in the water) and I just shook my head. I was beyond words at this point (yet, I still thought I had awhile to go - I didn't believe I was close to pushing). After another contraction, I asked to get out. Mary came to help me and I wanted a bathrobe. I didn't want to be completely naked, because I was cold. Alice had a bathrobe that I ended up wearing (and, destroying. Luckily, it was old and she needed a new one anyway). I peed, which caused a horribly painful contraction, and I was thankful that Victoria came in the bathroom and helped me lean forward. I then made my way over to the bed.

I was in a side-lying position when Mary came to check me and I said, "I don't want to move!" and she told me that was fine. She said that I had a lip left that was behind the baby's head. She discussed 3 options with me. 1) I could try a different position to see if that resolved the lip 2) she could move it out of the way and I could push past it or 3) we could do nothing. I decided to get on my hands and knees. They brought over the birth ball and I leaned on that. Victoria was on my left and Sarah was on my right. It was at this point in labor that I hit the point of, "Oh, God. This.is.it." I was screaming a bit more loudly, and kept hearing reminders to keep my voice low. I remember saying, "Ow" a few times. I could hear the kids outside and I wanted to shout, "Can someone SHUT THEM UP" but, I didn't.

Hayden, who turned a 5 a day after I gave birth, had heard the noises I was making and kept saying that I was having the baby. Originally, I had decided to let her in the room while I was pushing, if she wanted to be in there. However, when my mom came in and asked if Hayden could come in, I said no. I didn't want her to see me so out of control. I think I would have been worried about what she was hearing/seeing if she were there - and that would have hindered my labor.

Plus, the room was packed full as it was (it didn't bother me though - it was a room full of women who were all respecting my birth process). I was really surprised at how quiet it was. The only person making noise was me. I heard words of encouragement from Victoria and Sarah. I heard them remind me to just let go, to take deep breaths for my baby, to use a low voice. I said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and I said, "I can't." I can't remember whether I wanted to be checked or if Mary offered, but I remember distinctly not wanting to push on hands and knees. Of all the positions in the world, I wanted to be on my back. I don't even know why, but that was where I wanted to be. Mary said okay, but made me sit up - so I was in a semi-reclining position. The lip was still there.

At this point, I asked her to break my bag of waters. I wanted to do anything and everything to get the baby out, because I couldn't go through one more contraction. As soon as she broke the amniotic sac, I started getting really long breaks between contractions. I remember discussing how nice the breaks were - they were just what I needed. Mary then mentioned how she could move the lip out of the way and everyone explained to me how this was probably in my best interests. I agreed to let her move it - I just wanted things to be over with.

During my next contraction, she moved it out of the way - and I screamed with all of my might for her to get out. It was the most painful thing that I have ever felt. Mary moved her hand away and said, 'Okay, okay.' I think this is when I started freaking out. I hit that point where I realized that if I didn't push my baby out, that meant that I was going to have to continue to be in labor - and, in pain. However, pushing my baby out was going to hurt. No matter what I chose, it was going to hurt. I started declaring that I couldn't do this and Mary said, "Cassie, you have to. And, by the time we got to the hospital, you wouldn't want to be there anymore, anyway." Victoria told me that once I pushed past the pain, it was over. I decided to try again.

With the next contraction, Mary moved the lip out of the way. I screamed and shouted and fought - but I somehow found it within me to push. I did this twice, maybe three times, and I felt instant relief. I could feel that the head was there, but not quite past the pubic bone. I remember Mary getting hot compresses and other things to protect my perineum. With my next contraction, the baby started crowning, and this is when I feel like I lost it. I screamed- shrill screams. Mary was trying to convince me to give little pushes. My rational mind knew that she was suggesting this as a way to help protect my perineum, but my instinctual mind was saying, "NOOOOOO way." I screamed and shouted and yelled - including the cliche statement, "GET IT OUT." I just wanted to push with all of my might, so, I did. I pushed and pushed until I felt the relief of the head come out. I felt like this took ages. Later, Mary would tell me that I only pushed for 12 minutes. I also found out later that Luca had her hand up by her face when she was born - no wonder it hurt! (However, I did not tear!)

I remember people asking me if I wanted to feel the head, and I didn't. I then heard Mary say that they were going to do this "without a contraction" because I had "too much power." She told me to push again, and I remember thinking, "You're crazy! I feel so much better now. I'm not pushing ever again" I did though, screaming again (my birth video is slightly embarrassing for me to watch because I can't believe how shrilly I shouted!) when the shoulders came out. Then, at 8.34am - just 3 hours after I began active labor - Mary told me to reach down and grab my baby, and, I did.

All of a sudden, everything just kind of disappeared. I think I started saying, "Oh my God, oh my God." She was on my belly, looking at me. She was pink and letting out little cries. They gave me a towel and I rubbed her back and she let out a few good cries. She had a ton of vernix, and I remember noting that. I heard Mary said, "What the heck?" and I asked if there was anything wrong, and she assured me that everything was fine. She told me, kind of sternly, to keep my legs open and "help her out." I was on a birth high and not really paying much attention to her, which I feel a little bad about because she was dealing with a kind of serious situation - I just didn't realize it. Mary saw pulsing blood and clamped the cord quickly (Alice cut it) and then gave me a shot of Cytotec in the leg. She then told me to pull my legs back and I pushed with a contraction, feeling the placenta come out. It almost hurt. The assistant took the placenta right away to make sure it was all there and Mary stayed to monitor my blood loss. Apparently, I had a partial placental abruption as Luca was born (which Mary says can happen even in the healthiest of pregnancies). I couldn't tell, but Maysa said there was a large blood gush as she came out and that there was blood pulsing out. I'm glad Mary did what she had to do to take care of it though and that I didn't need to transfer.

Anyway, back to my baby high. I realized after holding Luca for a minute that I didn't know what she was. I couldn't really move her to tell because of the position she was in, so I just stuck my hand down by her butt and start searching frantically for a scrotum. I felt and felt and felt and couldn't find her balls. Then it hit me and I announced, "is it a girl???" I wanted someone to verify it for me, and I heard Mary let out a small, "Yep" and then heard squeals. I couldn't believe it. I was seriously stunned. At this point, I had someone call Jarrod and I said, "Honey, you do make girls!" I then asked if that's what the doctor had written down. A week or so earlier, Jarrod had 'slipped' and said, "Tell him to hang on longer." He then made kind of a big deal about our boy name. I didn't tell Jarrod that I heard his "oops'es" - but I was convinced that this baby was a boy. I found out later that Jarrod made those "errors" on purpose. I should have expected that. That sounds like something he would do. I'm glad he did, too. I can't even begin to explain the utter celebration that was the moment of her birth. Obviously, we would have loved a boy all the same- but I wanted a girl and I was so attached to her name. It's been 5 years since I've had a baby girl, so I wanted another. Discovering that she was, indeed, a little girl was such a cool moment. I'll never forget it.

I basked in my baby for awhile, nursing her and staring at her, and then I handed her over to Alice so that I could clean up quickly. I took a quick shower and I changed into a nursing gown and got back in the bed. They did the newborn exam. When she was first born, she looked tiny. She looked short and tiny. Even Mary said that she was probably 7.5lbs. However, when they did the exam, she said she changed her mind - she appeared bigger. Luca was 20.5 inches long (same length as Vincent) and 8lbs even. My smallest baby yet!

I actually kind of wonder if my dates were off (which is completely possible - I did use the due date of February 4th for awhile). Luca was covered in vernix and her earlobes were soft and given her weight, I'm curious if to maybe she was a 38-weeker and not 39 weeks. Anyway, not that it matters since she decided to be born. (Can I say how happy this makes me? I did absolutely nothing to even encourage labor, aside from walking, maybe. Luca came when Luca was ready).

I nursed her again and then handed her off so I could eat my first meal (HoneySmacks cereal, ha!). The kids came in to meet Luca. Hayden was told that it was, indeed, a sister. Vincent didn't really care. I got them out of there soon though because I was in a lot of discomfort. My afterpains were horrendous. I think that if you have a natural birth, you should be exempt from having contractions afterward. People were beginning to leave at this point and, eventually, it was just Maysa and me (and Luca). I was thankful for that because I was able to kind of talk out my emotions (such as the fact that I felt horrible that my pains were so bad, it was hard for me to focus on the baby). I took some pain medication and drank some water and just kind of relaxed. Maysa left soon after that and I nursed the baby and then we both took a nap. When I woke up, I felt a ton better - and I stayed in bed just staring at Luca and looking her over. I called Jarrod back and we talked about how she looked like him and about how cute she was. He asked if my birth went well and I told him, "You know, I'm proud of myself" and he said, "Yeah - and I'm proud of you too."

Looking back on my birth, I'm really, really pleased with how it went. I'm thrilled that my daughter was born safely at home. I can't begin to explain the "birth high" that accompanies natural birth - and the recovery has been excellent. Quick and easy. It really was a beautiful, intense birth.

I do wish that Jarrod would have been here - but, what could I do? And, I did have a group of people that offered amazing support. Some probably think that I had far too many people there, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Everyone respected what was happening - and everyone knew when to be quiet and when to offer words of encouragement. Another thing that makes me a little sad is that the cord did not stop pulsating before it was clamped and cut - however, I'm not hung up about it. I had blood pulsing out of me and Mary was concerned that there was a tear in the cord - which would have meant that the baby was losing blood. I would have clamped it too. I'm also a little confused as to why I wanted to push on my back. I always envisioned myself pushing on my hands and knees, or squatting. I did what I felt like doing though, I'm just curious as to why listening to my body put me on my back! Everything else went perfectly.

It really was just an amazing experience. Having a homebirth makes me want to have 10 more homebirths. I don't even know how to put it into words - there isn't a sentence I could write that would explain how awesome I feel. How beautiful it was. How perfect she is.

Luca Lynn Hope
Born at home on 1.22.11 at 8.34am
8lbs0oz
20.5 inches long

Caspian's Birth Story

Over on the "Everyone on Twitter is Having Babies" list - I allow women the option to link to their birth story. Recently, a Twitter fave of mine had her 3rd child, a son, and wanted to share her birth story but didn't have a blog to post it on. I offered up space on my own blog (since I rarely use this thing any way... I should really get on that).

This is Rhaissa's (forks_n_spoons) birth story of her son. An epidural-free induction!

Caspian Manuel Antonio

7lbs 15oz

20.5in

12/20/2010 8:20pm

I won't bore with details since most of ya'll have kept up with my pregnancy from the moment I got the faint lines. So jump to Monday morning [12/20] went in for my final appt. Had the NST & BPP done. While everything looked okay, Dr M was still not liking the NST results and left me with two choices -- stay at the hospital til wednesday hooked on that machine [for monitoring] or induction. I felt it was just better safe than sorry plus contractions were already s-l-o-w-l-y picking up so I figured labor wouldn't last too long.

Got home, got the bags, stalled because I was deathly nervous seeing as I've never been induced, called my mom to have her come up [she's in tampa so 4hrs away], stalled some more, then around 2pm finally got the balls to go to the hospital. once checked in etc etc etc, it was around 4pm pitocin was started on the lowest dosage possible. the fun begins...

Really though I've labored through 6cm without an epidural [i.e. fiona] so the pain while PAINFUL was tolerable though TBT I have a high level of tolerance when it comes to pain. MW came to check me I was a 5cm dilated but my mom had yet to arrive so I waited on having her break my water. Once my mom arrived, I had progressed to an 8, MW broke my water and this is where it becomes intense.

Contractions kick into high gear, but thankfully steady and with a natural rhythm. Because of no epidural, I was able to walk around the room, got in the tub for awhile, peed in the toilet [that made me excited...those who've had epis know catheters are NOT fun]. I labored some parts while on all fours because it eased the pain in my back. Did I beg for an epidural? Oh God did I ever. But in my birthing plans, in huge CAPS LOCK I wrote to my Dr/MW, unless needed medically DO NOT INTERFERE with MEDS...and boy did they take me seriously.

As per God's instructions, my body did what it is designed to do. Carry Life & Bring Life into the World. so about 4hrs later, I was ready to push. This was not the typical do three pushes and breathe, take a break, and do it again. Being a natural birth, it was all depending on my body & baby. So I pushed when I felt that need and rested when I had a "break". My hips felt like they were going to snap [baby locking through the pelvis]. Then I asked my MW if I could get into a squatting position [just something my body was naturally telling me it wanted]. So she lowered the bottom half of the hospital bed and I was able to squat. Then came the big show...

This is the moment. Right before the baby is born, where you feel like you can't go on. Like you just don't have it in you to finish this race. The hallway corridor that keeps extending. I must have had the saddest look on my face when I thought out loud "I don't know if I can do this." My husband's next five words will be five words I will never forget "the baby needs you to". I looked at him. Saw the belief that he had in me...ME...that I could do this....that I was made for this....that I WOULD do this. And that's when you cross that line from almost quitting the race, to hitting booster ignite. I did the first big push [RING OF FIRE OMG], MW told me to open my eyes...I see my baby's head/hair....Another really good push....baby is turning into position....I see the biggest brown eyes in the world...and with that final push....and with my hands around his head, I guided Caspian Manuel Antonio into this world...onto my chest...and I have never felt more empowered in my life.

I remember looking at him in this state of amazement. Not so much on that the baby was finally here, but that I was the first hand he felt. That I was the first chest he touched. My finger was the first thing his fingers held a grasp on. My lips were the first to kiss his little nose. I kept saying it in my head "I did this....I did this". My husband was filled with tears and kissed me what seemed at least a million times. If I was in amazement of myself, Michael was 10x that of me.

[and yes both bebes were in the room & both SLEPT through the delivery]

So that's my birth story for the final bambino.

No tearing. Showered within an hour of delivering. Ate pizza for dinner. Felt ready to be home by morning...though by law we have to wait...lol

Even with having to be induced [which placenta was beautiful and could have kept going for the rest of the week] and using pitocin, I still was blessed with the birthing I wanted and a healthy beautiful perfection.

Inara's Birth Story

I got to visit Jess and her sweet baby, Inara, at a less than conventional 2-week postpartum visit. She lives 3 hours north of me, so we had to find a good time in which no midwifery clients were due so that I could go see her. I asked and got permission to post Jess's birth story. Some of the pictures I took from her birth are found HERE. I posted some new photos (including beautiful nursing shots) after her birth story:

Inara Mae Raine
EDD 8/20/1020
Born on 08/26/2010
8lbs, 14oz and 21 ½ inches long

I had been having contractions that were 10-15 minutes apart for days and on Tuesday, the 24th, I had my last midwife appointment and NST. During my NST, I was having regular small contractions every 10 minutes apart. I felt them, but they weren't uncomfortable - just there. I could feel my body starting to gear up but prodromal labor was lasting quite a while. It felt like real labor was never going to kick off. I definitely didn't want to rush her out and I never had that "done" feeling that some people talk about, but I was really excited to meet her! It's hard waiting when you know you'll be meeting your baby any day - but you just don't know when.

I made sure to get the pool that I would be using during labor ready at the beginning of the week and it was sitting in the garage ready to go. The only thing I forgot to do was turn up the heat on the water heater and bring the hose inside the garage. I did my best to get all of the little things done around the house - all the laundry was finished, the grocery shopping was done, etc. But the one, probably important thing to do that completely escaped me was to pack some sort of hospital bag which I never did get to do. I was kicking myself for it after all was said and done.

On Wednesday the 25th, Cassie and I had decided that she would drive up that morning. She seemed to be convinced it would happen fairly soon and I was secretly not so sure. I was afraid she'd make the long drive just to turn around in 48 hours because nothing was happening. I felt bad that she'd just have to camp out for a while and be away from home. I was really happy she was coming, but felt bad that it was just a waiting game. I was getting calls and text messages for days from everyone I knew asking what was happening or if I was in labor yet and it was starting to get irritating. I of all people wanted to meet my baby girl! I didn't need the daily reminder that people were waiting on me. I was happy to have Cassie coming though, it was a nice distraction.

After Cassie arrived, we talked about natural ways to help encourage the contractions I was having to turn into something more productive. I had already tried fruit, pineapple, walking, etc. I mentioned Castor Oil and we discussed the pro's and con's, the main con being the nasty side effect everyone talks about. Obviously, I didn't want to be glued to the toilet for hours while in labor - but she said it really wasn't that bad. I thought it over for a little while and decided I may as well try - it wasn't going to help encourage labor to start if my body wasn't already ready and, if nothing happened, then at least hopefully my body would be cleaned out for labor because really, who wants to poop themselves while pushing?

We packed up Rowan and went to find some Castor Oil and made a run to the Commissary, came home and threw the concoction into the blender and gave it a try. Surprisingly, it wasn't gross. The stories I've read about Castor Oil make it sound horrible and vomit inducing and it definitely wasn't - at least for me. It didn't taste "bad" by any means, just weird. So we hung out at home for the rest of the day. We again did some baby mapping and weight and size of the baby and Cassie guessed in the mid 8lb range and around 21 inches long (which was the most accurate guess anyone has ever made!). We both agreed she’d be a big girl.

I did start to feel my contractions pick up a bit but they were still spaced pretty far apart and comfortable, so we decided to go for a walk that evening and Rowan pitched a huge fit on the way home. We were gone maybe 30 minutes, so it wasn't long and, man, was it hot outside. Carrying a 30 pound toddler in hot humid weather isn't fun. Oh, and did I mention I was 40+ weeks pregnant? Too bad lugging around a 2 year old does nothing for prodromal labor.

Cassie told me she bet labor would start once my boys went to bed later that night and that finally having some calm and quiet would be enough. I really hoped she was right! I put my boys to bed around 8:30pm and we watched some tv before David came home from work. I started feeling some slightly strong contractions and at the suggestion of Cassie, tried laying down for a while. David came home from work shortly after 9pm and after that I laid on the couch since David wanted to watch Ghost Hunters. For whatever reason, he was really wound up after work and he was being pretty annoying. I was tired and starting to feel kind of sick and David made some clam chowder that just made me feel even more gross. At about 10pm, I decided to go to bed and try to get some sleep and everyone went to bed, but I made sure to take a shower first and shave my legs just in case. I at least wanted nice hair and to smell nice if I was going to be in labor later, hah. Nothing really saves you from looking like a crazy laboring lady though, washed hair or not.

When I laid down, I was sure I was going to awake up in the morning without anything happening that night. I was so tired, though - and just wanted some sleep. I fell asleep right away and woke up at exactly 11:20pm with a contraction I just couldn't sleep through. I laid there for maybe 10 minutes and finally had to get up because lying there wasn't comfortable. I went to the bathroom and hung out in there for about 15 minutes trying to determine if this might be "the real thing." I was trying not to wake David up until I was sure of what was happening. My hair was still somewhat wet from my shower an hour ago, so I blow dried it and put mascara on and during each contraction, I had to stop what I was doing and breath through it. After I was finished being girly in the bathroom (and later in the pool I determined mascara was a bad call), I tried going back to bed and lying down but that didn't work - laying down made it hurt worse, so I had to be up. At that point, David woke up and asked me if I was in labor and I told him I didn't know, but I couldn't sleep or go back to bed and that I was going downstairs.

Downstairs, I got something to drink, woke Cassie up (and I felt bad doing so!) and we watched some tv. I think we put on Psych. I wasn't able to pay attention, it was around 12:30am and it was getting a bit more intense. I couldn't talk through my contractions anymore and I had to stop and lean on something. I didn't want to sit down and I didn't want to stand - nothing was comfortable. I remember David kept trying to talk to me, especially during a contraction, and it was starting to irritate me. I just wanted him to be quiet and leave me alone. I'm not sure at what point we decided to call Sarah, I think maybe David or Cassie asked me if I wanted her called yet, and I said I wasn't sure. At that point, I still wasn't convinced I was in real labor. I also discovered that making decisions during this time was impossible, I wasn't capable of doing so - even a simple yes or no was beyond my capabilities. I think it was Cassie who made the decision that Sarah needed to be called, so David called her - maybe around 1am? Sarah didn't answer though and he left a message. I also texted her after that, telling her my status.

At that point, I think contractions were about 5 minutes apart and 60ish seconds long but, honestly, I wasn’t keeping track. I was just letting things happen. I tried several different positions and it felt like I had to constantly pee. Sitting felt extra horrible, but sitting and leaning back was ok - or hands and knees leaning forward. Either way, it was getting a little bit harder and all my focus had to go into it. I was still somewhat in denial, I don't think it ever actually clicked with me that this was happening tonight. I kept thinking that this wasn't bad at all, it took effort to concentrate during contractions and I had to breath - but it was fine. I wasn't miserable and I was clear headed. During the breaks in between, I could talk and interact. I remember thinking that this was so incredibly easy, so this can't be what labor is like. All of the birth stories I read made me think labor would be much more difficult, so I constantly expected it to reach a point where I didn’t think I could do it. I never once felt that way though.

Sarah finally got back to us and said she was in the Emergency Room with her child and that she unfortunately couldn't make it and offered to have her backup take her place. I was extremely disappointed to hear it too, one of my biggest fears was something not going as planned during labor. This was certainly one of my fears and, unfortunately, it was happening. My doula wasn't coming. Cassie and David asked me if I wanted to call the backup and honestly... I didn't. All I could think was, "I don't want a stranger at my birth." It didn't feel normal or comfortable. I had spent the last 20 weeks getting to know Sarah and to have someone I've never met or talked to before come and watch me in labor was too uncomfortable of a thought. I didn't want that. I felt bad because I hadn't planned on Cassie stepping in, in a doula capacity, but, at the same time, I was SO glad she was there! Things would have gone completely different if she hadn't been here - I can't even imagine. So, I said no and I think I asked Cassie if she was comfortable and ok with that and she said she was. From then on out, it was just the three of us and it was a relief to know that.

The contractions slowly started getting more intense and I had to concentrate more and breathe more, though... I suppose when I say "slowly," there was nothing slow about it - but it wasn't happening at a pace that made me feel like I was losing control or that the pain was unmanageable. I honestly have no clue at what point David started setting up the pool in the kitchen, but I remember getting mad at him because it needed a little more air and he turned the air pump on and it was extremely loud. I was worried he was going to wake up the whole house! I told him to go to the garage and do it, which he should have done in the first place. I basically labored between the downstairs bathroom and living room until the pool was ready, I went to the bathroom right before getting in the pool and sitting on the toilet made it much more intense and then I felt a huge wave of nausea. All I felt like doing was throwing up, so I grabbed the bathroom trash can and brought it with me to the pool. I never did throw up though, and the nausea subsided eventually. I think during this time, calling the midwife was discussed and I’m unsure if David called and left a message or if he waited until later.

It felt so incredibly good to get in the pool! Being in water was amazing. I think at this point is when it really started to pick up and it was impossible not to moan through contractions and, lucky me, every maybe 6-10 of them were "double peak" contractions (as Cassie called them). I would feel one coming and it would peak out and start to go down a little but go right back up again. That was a little difficult, but the break afterward was heavenly. In the water, they felt much more intense though and I think that's when things started moving a lot more quickly. My memory is a little bit hazy from here because it was all happening so fast, all of my energy and concentration was going into what my body was going through and it was hard to follow what else was going on. I know I was in the pool when David told me Courtney, one of the midwives I didn't care for, was on-call that night at the hospital and my heart sank. It was supposed to be Julie, the midwife I had seen two days prior who was on call and I really didn't want to go in with Courtney there - but, I thought well, it's better than Melissa, right? I think David asked me while on the phone if I wanted a water birth, or the pool set up at the hospital, and I had no idea how to answer - so I don't think I ever did. Or maybe I’m just imagining this part, I need to ask David.

(A side note, but I’m really glad I had a friend and doula there, even if we hadn’t planned it that way. I could feel David’s anxiety - he was rarely in the room, he was off doing little jobs that needed to get done and he isn’t exactly the nurturing kind. I didn’t expect him to be there holding my hand and, to be hones, I didn’t want him there holding my hand. I needed to be left alone. It felt better to go inside myself rather than to have someone trying to comfort me. I didn’t need comfort, but I did need someone just there with me. David’s much more of a do-er and I knew this from the start - which is why I felt it was so important to have someone else there as well. I wish Sarah could have been there to not put Cassie on the spot, but honestly… I’m glad Sarah wasn’t. I felt so much more comfortable with it just being David and Cassie, and I didn’t feel anyone else was needed and I certainly didn’t want anyone else but them. I wish David wasn’t so antsy during active labor, but it was much better that he just stay out of my way and not try to “do” anything.)

At that point I think both Cassie and David were trying to encourage me to get out of the pool and it was time to leave. I REALLY didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay where I was so I wasn't trying to move fast at all. In fact, I think I was trying to ignore them and pretend they weren’t talking. The next thing I remember clearly was feeling pressure with the next contraction and thinking, "this is way too fast, how can there be pressure?." At that point, I agreed to get out and, when I was able, I did. I went to the bathroom to change into dry clothes and pee. There was some sort of wardrobe malfunction and I hated the cami's David gave me and the cami I had planned to wear had a broken strap (damnit!). I didn't want to wear what he had, I wanted to wear something else. I went back to the living room after that and leaned forward on the ottoman while David tried to find something else. He finally found something acceptable-ish and I put it on and Shay (my mother-in-law) came down the stairs right about then - probably feeling embarrassed that I was changing shirts. I was worried about the pool being emptied before the boys woke up, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to walk anywhere and I knew I had to make it to the truck somehow. Shay says it was 3:15am when she came downstairs and we left.

I was able to make it out to the sidewalk in the front of the house (curb side service, naturally) before having to stop and breathe again. It was much harder now and I kept feeling a lot of pressure with each contraction - being on my feet was especially difficult. I made it to the truck, got in, and we left.

The sequence of events from here on out are kind of jumbled in my head. When I wasn't lost in a contraction and concentrating on them, I was mad at David for driving so fast and not already being at the hospital. I kept thinking it was taking so long! Too long. I didn't want to be in the truck, his driving was scaring me, and my body wanted to move - not be stuck in a sitting position. There wasn't much talking going on, at least by me, but I remember feeling like David was freaking out and not staying calm. I wasn't scared of what was happening and I wasn't hitting a point where I wasn't able to cope - I was mostly just upset with David for hitting every bump and driving like a maniac. I’m pretty sure he ran a few red lights. I can’t remember at what point my water broke, but I felt a gush and just knew it had happened and, with it, came very intense contractions and pressure.

I didn't know it at the time, but when we talked about it later, Cassie says I hit transition in the car - which makes sense now. However, at the time, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I felt such relief when we all thought we had almost made, when I realized that - oh my fucking god, we're not at the hospital... we're at my dentist’s office? Not a happy moment - I wasn’t going for a dental cleaning. We were at a completely wrong location and I had a really hard time with that thought. I was mad at David, mad we weren't there, trying to breathe and I had no idea even how close we were now. David got on the phone and called for directions and Cassie got on her phone and googled for directions. Directions were obtained after what seemed like an eternity, and we were on our way, again, to the hospital.

I have no idea at what point during this trip to the hospital that I began to feel intense pressure and the spontaneous urge to push - but, I did. It was so incredibly intense and overwhelming. Cassie told me to blow through the urge and I did, or tried to. I blew and blew and it wasn't helping! I just wanted to push, but blowing took the force out of wanting to push... almost. During a contraction and moaning (very loudly at this point and I'm not sure you could call it a moan anymore, being vocal was keeping me sane) if I didn't start blowing and pull my voice out of it, I automatically pushed. It was just awful. From that point on, everything was about NOT PUSHING. At some point during this insanely long car/truck ride, I started repeating over and over again “no, no, no, no” because the baby was wanting to come right now and it was like trying to instruct her to stay put for just a little bit longer. I was telling myself “no, don’t push” and “no, don’t come yet baby!”, which just came out as “Nooo!" I probably sounded pretty crazy, now that I think of it.

I think David was pretty much freaking out. I knew we were close, but it may as well been hours away. Right as we found the hospital and were pulling up to the ER entrance, I felt the baby drop and rotate. It was the strangest twisting, wiggling feeling. My hips and inner and outer thighs were aching so badly, I wanted to get the hell off of them and push her out. I was in the middle of another contraction when we arrived and I didn't think I'd make it inside but, out of nowhere, there was a break. It stopped and I was able to step out of the truck and go inside. At first, when we stopped, before getting out of the truck, I felt a hand trying to help me out. I had my eyes closed and I just wanted to break whoever’s hand this was (later on, I found out it was David, so then I didn’t feel so bad).

After walking inside, I remember seeing a bed, a nurse and being told to get on. Someone, I think the nurse, suggested I lay down and I just hoped at that moment that person would drop dead because I was NOT lying down. I pretty much found myself on my side in a half lying, half sitting position, gripping the rail. I went straight into a horribly intense contraction and my body pushed. There was no blowing through it or stopping it this time. My body was pushing the baby out no matter what, and the spontaneous urge to push was the by far the most intense feeling I’ve ever felt - much more intense than my contractions had been. It’s almost impossible to describe. I lost all sense of what was happening around me. I had to push, I couldn't not push, I didn't even feel the pressure from contractions anymore and just the intense pressure from my body needing to push the baby out. It was my one and only focus. I couldn't tell you if I was yelling or screaming or roaring like a wild animal, it was all about pushing on this damned bed that was moving way too fast and some irritating nurse that kept trying to pull my skirt down and cover me. I kept thinking - are you kidding me? My baby is about to come out and you're worried about covering me. I don't care if the whole world sees my vagina! Besides that, you can’t push out a baby and be covered at the same time. Trying to be covered at that moment was a totally insane thought to me.

I don't know at what point between getting on the bed that she crowned, I believe it was almost instantly though. With a push her head was out and I vaguely remember Cassie saying "she's rotating" and seeing maybe elevator doors? Then we were moving again and I'm fairly certain I screamed wildly at the nurse who was pushing the bed. All I wanted was to stop moving. I needed to stop moving because she was coming. Another push and she was out, the bed was stopped and I sat up and tried to lift my baby up. The first thing I remember was her smell. I could smell that amazing newborn baby smell and I tried to lift her up from under her arms, but she was caught up in the cord and it pulled. I was afraid to pull on the cord, so I sat there with her sitting between my legs, trying to hold her. Her eyes were wide open and she looked amazing. I made sure to take a quick peek too, to make sure she was definitely a she - and she was.

That's when the midwife, Courtney, and what seemed like a hundred nurses ran up. We were in the hallway of the L&D floor and just a couple doors down from the room I was being wheeled to. Courtney untangled my baby, I brought her as far up to my chest as I could, and they pushed me to the room. After that, everything was fine. The room was busy and full of commotion, and I could have cared less. Right after arriving in the room, I looked up and I saw David walk in and I felt so bad - he hadn't even been there! I never noticed. I'm fairly certain he walked in and said "I missed it and I wasn't even deployed!" I don't know where he was at either - I assume parking the truck.

Baby was breathing and pink, and Courtney gave us time to kind of regroup. I was asked if I could scoot from one bed to another, but I didn't right away. I wanted to give the cord time. After maybe a couple minutes, I was able to scoot over. Courtney wanted to clamp the cord, but I told her not until it stopped pulsing. I asked for help to take my shirt off because I wanted skin to skin right away, so a nurse or two helped me peel my shirt off and I was finally able to put her against me skin to skin. It was an amazing feeling. I don't really know what happened in what order from here. Baby and I sat there for a while skin to skin, she was doing great and breathing great, once the cord stopped pulsing the midwife clamped the cord and David cut it. I watched as he cut the cord, and I was pretty much of awe of it. I thought it looked a lot thinner than Rowan’s cord.

I believe she nursed on my left side and I began to feel horrible cramps and I felt my placenta sitting right there. I gave a small push and felt my placenta come sliding out. Courtney, or a nurse, was starting to want to get the placenta to move at that point and to check me and I told them it had already come. I think she was really surprised by that. Inara was done nursing on my left side, so Courtney checked me and the placenta was indeed just sitting there. She move it off the bed and wanted to check me for tears - which I did have thanks to my horrible pushing position and having to hold on for dear life onto that stupid bed. So, my placenta was birthed naturally by my own body - absolutely no need for Pitocin to help my uterus contract because it was doing it beautifully on it’s own and my bleeding was fine. I knew that Pitocin would be an issue if my placenta took longer than they would have liked, but my body knew what it was doing and finished the job before they even had time to start messing it up.

Inara latched onto my other side and I laid back to get stitches and cleaned up. So, Inara nursed through that unpleasantness and, oh man, the needle stick hurt! Stitches went really quickly though. After maybe 20 minutes, I took Inara off and agreed to have her weighed and looked over while I got into a gown and off the bed. It felt so weird to stand up after that, my entire core felt like it had just run a marathon and was so weak. After getting into a gown, I sat in a chair while my bed was cleaned and put back together and I really didn't want to sit there - so I went over to my baby in the warmer and stood there during her evaluation and weighing.

After that, everything was just routine - baby was checked, I declined all newborn procedures and injections, signed some paperwork, ate a little bit of food and took Inara back to bed with me. She was still wide awake too! She was alert and looking around with eyes open for three full hours after her birth. After all the paperwork was done and the nurses and midwife left the room, Cassie and David passed out right away and I was wide awake with baby. It was maybe 4:30-5am by that point. Inara fell asleep after that and I put her in the bassinet by my bed and tried to sleep too, but I was wide awake. I think I slept for around an hour, maybe hour and a half, before waking up again for the day.

David and Cassie woke up during nurse shift change and David left to go get Cassie's ID that she left at the house (she couldn't leave without it since she had to get into Fort Benning). We talked about the nights events until David got back and then she went back to the house to get more sleep before driving back home again. In all, I'm very happy with how it went. From start to finish, my labor was around 4 hours and 25 minutes. It went so fast! I'm the most happy that I got what I wanted. I avoided absolutely all interventions, medications and outside meddling. I had zero monitoring, no cervical checks, no hep lock and no one who bothered me during my labor. I was able to labor how I wanted (sans truck debacle) without interruption, I was comfortable and nothing was forced on me that I didn't want. It was 100% natural and non-medicated.

Not once during my labor did I think "I can't do this." In fact it was the opposite - I always expected it to get worse and it never did. I never hit a point where I felt like I was going to break down or couldn't handle to pain or intensity. The thought never even crossed my mind. Pain medication never crossed my mind. I had a very specific goal that I was working towards and nothing was going to shake that. I didn't need or want pain medication and even asking for it never crossed my mind - I was completely lost in the moment of what was happening and didn't need or want anything else. My baby was born how I wanted, safely, and without anyone interrupting the natural process. I was the first person to touch and hold my baby, she came out on her own terms and exactly how nature intended it. I didn't want it to be in a hospital hallway but, hey, that's where it happened. In the end it really didn't matter where. Ideally, I would have loved to have been in a calm, lowlit room in the position of my dreams and in a calm environment, not screaming down a hallway, but that wasn't what it was about. My #1 goal was to have a safe, natural birth the way it was meant to happen - without medicalization - and that's exactly what happened.

I can definitely look back and wish things could have been different in some ways. I wish I could have just stayed home and had a water birth in the comfort of my own home, I wish the other midwife Julie had been there, I wish I hadn’t hired Sarah and I wish I hadn't been in the truck for 30 grueling minutes. But, it doesn't matter, because it happened how it was supposed to happen. I have an amazingly healthy baby and that was the driving force with all of the decisions I made throughout my pregnancy and birth wishes - a safe and healthy baby being born the way nature intended it and that was exactly what happened.

I really have to give a lot of credit to Cassie though, David would have fallen apart without her and even though I didn’t need her to “do” anything, her calm presence was very much needed. I honestly just wanted and needed her there - it made all the difference in my experience. Cassie is an amazing friend and doula, and she was two in one that day for us. I decided doulas ( specifically Cassie in this case) are like a Drill Sergeant (doula note: I've never been compared to a drill sergeant before! Hehe. I should note, that is David's job. So, Jess holds a special spot near-and-dear to her heart for drill instructors. I promise that I don't yell and bark orders at my clients. Scout's honor). Doulas are someone who has impacted your life during a life altering experience and they’re someone you couldn’t ever possibly forget. They’re in your memory for life. The fact also doesn’t escape me that, with everything that went wrong in the last week (losing all trust in my midwife, being unsure about how or where my baby was going to be born, losing the doula I hired at the last moment, etc) - it seriously felt like everything that could possibly go wrong did in the days/week preceding Inara’s birth - the one person who I could count on was there was the one person who it inconvenienced the most. Cassie’s husband had literally just deployed overseas not 24 hours before Inara’s birth, she lived 3+ hours from me, she has two young children at home and, if that’s not enough, she’s in her second trimester with her 3rd baby. Yet, she was the one and only person who went out of her way in a huge ways to be here for me - so saying I appreciate her and everything she did is a huge understatement.

Now - some more recent photos of Inara. (Photos from her birth can be found on my blog HERE)