Luca's Birth in Pictures (Part 1)

All photos were taken courtesy of www.maysaphotography.com

I feel like the photos really speak for themselves, so I offer no descriptions. You can read my birth story here.

Luca's Birth Story

I'm trying to write this while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm still kind of in awe of everything that happened.

Two days before I had Luca, I lost my mucus plug and then lost more of it in bits and pieces the following day. I had a few contractions that just screamed, "These are different!" and I had the urge to call my midwife. I don't know why, because I knew that losing my mucus plug didn't mean anything, but I just had this intuition-like feeling that I needed to give her a head's up.

On Thursday&Friday, I got some important things done. I picked up the carseat and finished shopping for my daughter's Hayden's birthday present. I confirmed the information about Hayden's party. I cleaned my room.

Friday night, I had some weird pressure/pain. It was really bothering me, so I decided to take a shower and try to go to bed. I texted my friend, Maysa, and told her, "I don't know what's happening to me, but, it hurts. My legs, pelvis, and back hurt." It didn't feel like tightening, it felt ... weird. I felt like I desperately had to poop. Throughout the night, a contraction would wake me up and I'd go to sit down on the toilet. Finally, I pooped - and I felt so much better. I then had a contraction that woke me up at 5am and I couldn't go back to sleep.

I knew that I had to get up out of my bed at 5.30am. Unfortunately, my 2-year-old, Vincent, who had been in my bed, woke up too. I woke up my mom, who was there to keep an eye on my kids for the birth, and we went downstairs. I ended up on my hands and knees on the couch, contracting every 3-5minutes. It still didn't FEEL like contractions - it felt like a burning period cramp. I told my mom that I didn't remember contractions feeling like this. I was silent when working through them and I was talking in-between them, so I told my mom that it was too soon to call Mary (my midwife).

My mom called anyway and she asked me, "how painful are they on a scale from 1-10?" while I was having one. I said, kind of tense, "I don't know. 6 or 7?" I was annoyed that she asked me while I was contracting. Mary told my mom that she was getting dressed and she'd be right over. I then announced that I hate that stupid pain scale.

I decided to call my friends, Sarah & Maysa, but they both had an hour drive ahead of them and I didn't want them to leave if I wasn't in true labor - since my contractions felt so "different." I told them both that I'd call them back after Mary checked me. I remember scoffing/laughing when I spoke with Sarah, and then thinking, "There's no way I'm giving birth today. I'm in a good mood!" When I spoke with Maysa, I ended the conversation with, "I need to go before I have another contraction."

Vincent was awake the entire time and, surprisingly, didn't bother me. He sat with me a few times and hugged me. The damn cat came out into the living room, though, and SHE bothered me. I made my mom chase her down and lock her upstairs.

Alice, my mother-in-law (and who's home I gave birth in!) had been dropping a friend off at the airport and came home extremely surprised to find the house well-lit. When she figured out what was happening, she kind of squealed with delight. I had been coming from the bathroom, which always caused a heckuva contraction, and she embraced me in this excited hug. I returned to the couch and got back on my hands and knees and Alice asked me, "How are you feeling?" It annoyed the crap out of me and she must have seen my emotions on my face, because she left me alone.

Alice got kind of panicky in this moment and was asking my mom about what they should do. Luckily, Mary got there and eased the tension. I finished up a contraction (which I was still moving through silently at this point) and then we went to the bedroom. I expressed my concerns with Mary, that I wasn't very far along. I told her that my contractions felt "weird" and she said, very matter-of-factly, "I know." She remembered that I didn't want to know how many centimeters dilated that I was, so when she checked me, she said, "the baby's head is right there and your bag is bulging." She wanted to check me through a contraction, and I wasn't able to be silent through that one. Mary asked, "that wasn't a very strong one, was it?" and I said, "no - but it hurt really badly because I'm on my back." She then turned to Alice and said, "let's set everything up." She told me that when I felt like getting in the pool, just to let her know, and she'd check me again. After I had Luca, I learned that when she had checked me, I was 6cm.

I had my mom call Maysa, Sarah, and my doula, Victoria. I went upstairs to shower (and shouted from atop the stairs, "Oh, and call my husband!") The water felt so wonderful, but I hated having to stand. I remember thinking, "This is why people want to be in the birth pools." I put on my birth skirt and my sports bra and went downstairs. I asked for my mom to grab the exercise ball, and I sat on that, leaning against the bed. One of the birth assistant's checked the baby's heartrate (perfect) and then they continued to set up the bed and fill the pool. I was starting to make a little bit of noise during my contractions, but not too much. I didn't think they hurt that badly. Especially since the birth ball took pressure off my pelvis, and I was able to sway my hips. I swear on my life that contractions hurt less when you're at home.

Victoria got there and I asked her if she knew how to do french braids since I had a feeling that Maysa wasn't going to get there in time to do them. She did, and she pulled my hair back for me as I sat on the ball. It was distracting, which was nice. When she went to start on the second braid, I had a contraction that I really had to moan through. She told me, "I could tell that one was different." I chalked it up to it being a double-peak contraction. Around this time, my mom brought Hayden in and I gave her a hug. Vincent ran into a few times and then Andrea showed up. I told her, kind of harshly, to "get them out of here." I remember feeling extremely exasperated that no one was keeping them out of the room. My mom and Alice kept asking me questions, and I got extremely frustrated with them as well (do you know how hard it is to answer questions while you're in labor?) I know they were trying to be helpful, but I was not in the state of mind to think about whether I wanted to eat or not. After awhile, everyone seemed to realize that I wasn't going to be holding any valuable conversations.

I told Victoria that my butt really hurt and I thought it was because the baby was so low and my bag was bulging. She applied counter pressure with a tennis ball, and it felt heavenly. After another contraction that made me moan and groan, I requested to get in the pool. Mary asked me if I wanted to be checked, and I said no. She then said, "if you feel like getting in the pool, get in the pool!" I just stripped my skirt off at this point and sat in the water. It felt soooooo good. It wasn't deep enough, however, and I asked Victoria to fill it up more. She told me, "It's coming out ice cold. I'm going to have to go put a pot on the stove." I moaned through another contraction and then started laughing. I turned to her and said, "The faucet! It's backwards." I had forgotten that detail. She turned it the other direction and we got some hot water going. Once the water was over my butt, my "problem area," it felt awesome. Well, it didn't feel "nice" but it didn't hurt so much.

Victoria asked me if I wanted Sarah - who had just shown up- in the room, and I said yes. At this point, the only people in the bathroom were Victoria, Sarah, and me. It was really, really nice. I was extremely happy to see Sarah and I remember really wanting to be able to hold someone's hand - so I was really glad when Sarah offered hers. I also remember asking her to get my camera because no one had gotten any photos yet and one of my biggest fears was not getting a single photo of the birth. At some point, Alice came in and asked if I wanted music and all I could do was shake my head "no." Victoria mentioned that I wanted quiet. Somewhere in here, I saw that Maysa (who was photographing the birth) had shown up. I remember thinking, "Awesome. Photos" and that I was in a bad position for pictures - but, frankly, I didn't care. I was leaning over the pool with my head down and I didn't want to move.

It was amazing how out of this world I felt. Like I was in some distant universe. I did not care about how long my contractions were lasting, or how far apart they were. I didn't care how many I had. I didn't even care what time it was. All that mattered was what was happening to me at that moment.

During my contractions, I would just moan through them and sway my hips. I kept thinking that I couldn't be that far along because I still felt "aware" and 'with it.' However, I started crying. I don't even know why. It hurt, but was still manageable. Yet, I just started crying. I remember Victoria was really with it and got me tissues. I also remember passing my snotty tissues on to Sarah and feeling bad that she had to take them from me. I was holding back, so I was glad when Victoria told me, "sometimes, we just need a good cry. Just cry. Let it all out now." So, I did.

Mary came in at some point and told me that she could check me in the pool or on the bed. She then said something about how I didn't want to birth in the water. Victoria repeated what Mary said to me and included that I could change my mind (about birthing in the water) and I just shook my head. I was beyond words at this point (yet, I still thought I had awhile to go - I didn't believe I was close to pushing). After another contraction, I asked to get out. Mary came to help me and I wanted a bathrobe. I didn't want to be completely naked, because I was cold. Alice had a bathrobe that I ended up wearing (and, destroying. Luckily, it was old and she needed a new one anyway). I peed, which caused a horribly painful contraction, and I was thankful that Victoria came in the bathroom and helped me lean forward. I then made my way over to the bed.

I was in a side-lying position when Mary came to check me and I said, "I don't want to move!" and she told me that was fine. She said that I had a lip left that was behind the baby's head. She discussed 3 options with me. 1) I could try a different position to see if that resolved the lip 2) she could move it out of the way and I could push past it or 3) we could do nothing. I decided to get on my hands and knees. They brought over the birth ball and I leaned on that. Victoria was on my left and Sarah was on my right. It was at this point in labor that I hit the point of, "Oh, God. This.is.it." I was screaming a bit more loudly, and kept hearing reminders to keep my voice low. I remember saying, "Ow" a few times. I could hear the kids outside and I wanted to shout, "Can someone SHUT THEM UP" but, I didn't.

Hayden, who turned a 5 a day after I gave birth, had heard the noises I was making and kept saying that I was having the baby. Originally, I had decided to let her in the room while I was pushing, if she wanted to be in there. However, when my mom came in and asked if Hayden could come in, I said no. I didn't want her to see me so out of control. I think I would have been worried about what she was hearing/seeing if she were there - and that would have hindered my labor.

Plus, the room was packed full as it was (it didn't bother me though - it was a room full of women who were all respecting my birth process). I was really surprised at how quiet it was. The only person making noise was me. I heard words of encouragement from Victoria and Sarah. I heard them remind me to just let go, to take deep breaths for my baby, to use a low voice. I said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and I said, "I can't." I can't remember whether I wanted to be checked or if Mary offered, but I remember distinctly not wanting to push on hands and knees. Of all the positions in the world, I wanted to be on my back. I don't even know why, but that was where I wanted to be. Mary said okay, but made me sit up - so I was in a semi-reclining position. The lip was still there.

At this point, I asked her to break my bag of waters. I wanted to do anything and everything to get the baby out, because I couldn't go through one more contraction. As soon as she broke the amniotic sac, I started getting really long breaks between contractions. I remember discussing how nice the breaks were - they were just what I needed. Mary then mentioned how she could move the lip out of the way and everyone explained to me how this was probably in my best interests. I agreed to let her move it - I just wanted things to be over with.

During my next contraction, she moved it out of the way - and I screamed with all of my might for her to get out. It was the most painful thing that I have ever felt. Mary moved her hand away and said, 'Okay, okay.' I think this is when I started freaking out. I hit that point where I realized that if I didn't push my baby out, that meant that I was going to have to continue to be in labor - and, in pain. However, pushing my baby out was going to hurt. No matter what I chose, it was going to hurt. I started declaring that I couldn't do this and Mary said, "Cassie, you have to. And, by the time we got to the hospital, you wouldn't want to be there anymore, anyway." Victoria told me that once I pushed past the pain, it was over. I decided to try again.

With the next contraction, Mary moved the lip out of the way. I screamed and shouted and fought - but I somehow found it within me to push. I did this twice, maybe three times, and I felt instant relief. I could feel that the head was there, but not quite past the pubic bone. I remember Mary getting hot compresses and other things to protect my perineum. With my next contraction, the baby started crowning, and this is when I feel like I lost it. I screamed- shrill screams. Mary was trying to convince me to give little pushes. My rational mind knew that she was suggesting this as a way to help protect my perineum, but my instinctual mind was saying, "NOOOOOO way." I screamed and shouted and yelled - including the cliche statement, "GET IT OUT." I just wanted to push with all of my might, so, I did. I pushed and pushed until I felt the relief of the head come out. I felt like this took ages. Later, Mary would tell me that I only pushed for 12 minutes. I also found out later that Luca had her hand up by her face when she was born - no wonder it hurt! (However, I did not tear!)

I remember people asking me if I wanted to feel the head, and I didn't. I then heard Mary say that they were going to do this "without a contraction" because I had "too much power." She told me to push again, and I remember thinking, "You're crazy! I feel so much better now. I'm not pushing ever again" I did though, screaming again (my birth video is slightly embarrassing for me to watch because I can't believe how shrilly I shouted!) when the shoulders came out. Then, at 8.34am - just 3 hours after I began active labor - Mary told me to reach down and grab my baby, and, I did.

All of a sudden, everything just kind of disappeared. I think I started saying, "Oh my God, oh my God." She was on my belly, looking at me. She was pink and letting out little cries. They gave me a towel and I rubbed her back and she let out a few good cries. She had a ton of vernix, and I remember noting that. I heard Mary said, "What the heck?" and I asked if there was anything wrong, and she assured me that everything was fine. She told me, kind of sternly, to keep my legs open and "help her out." I was on a birth high and not really paying much attention to her, which I feel a little bad about because she was dealing with a kind of serious situation - I just didn't realize it. Mary saw pulsing blood and clamped the cord quickly (Alice cut it) and then gave me a shot of Cytotec in the leg. She then told me to pull my legs back and I pushed with a contraction, feeling the placenta come out. It almost hurt. The assistant took the placenta right away to make sure it was all there and Mary stayed to monitor my blood loss. Apparently, I had a partial placental abruption as Luca was born (which Mary says can happen even in the healthiest of pregnancies). I couldn't tell, but Maysa said there was a large blood gush as she came out and that there was blood pulsing out. I'm glad Mary did what she had to do to take care of it though and that I didn't need to transfer.

Anyway, back to my baby high. I realized after holding Luca for a minute that I didn't know what she was. I couldn't really move her to tell because of the position she was in, so I just stuck my hand down by her butt and start searching frantically for a scrotum. I felt and felt and felt and couldn't find her balls. Then it hit me and I announced, "is it a girl???" I wanted someone to verify it for me, and I heard Mary let out a small, "Yep" and then heard squeals. I couldn't believe it. I was seriously stunned. At this point, I had someone call Jarrod and I said, "Honey, you do make girls!" I then asked if that's what the doctor had written down. A week or so earlier, Jarrod had 'slipped' and said, "Tell him to hang on longer." He then made kind of a big deal about our boy name. I didn't tell Jarrod that I heard his "oops'es" - but I was convinced that this baby was a boy. I found out later that Jarrod made those "errors" on purpose. I should have expected that. That sounds like something he would do. I'm glad he did, too. I can't even begin to explain the utter celebration that was the moment of her birth. Obviously, we would have loved a boy all the same- but I wanted a girl and I was so attached to her name. It's been 5 years since I've had a baby girl, so I wanted another. Discovering that she was, indeed, a little girl was such a cool moment. I'll never forget it.

I basked in my baby for awhile, nursing her and staring at her, and then I handed her over to Alice so that I could clean up quickly. I took a quick shower and I changed into a nursing gown and got back in the bed. They did the newborn exam. When she was first born, she looked tiny. She looked short and tiny. Even Mary said that she was probably 7.5lbs. However, when they did the exam, she said she changed her mind - she appeared bigger. Luca was 20.5 inches long (same length as Vincent) and 8lbs even. My smallest baby yet!

I actually kind of wonder if my dates were off (which is completely possible - I did use the due date of February 4th for awhile). Luca was covered in vernix and her earlobes were soft and given her weight, I'm curious if to maybe she was a 38-weeker and not 39 weeks. Anyway, not that it matters since she decided to be born. (Can I say how happy this makes me? I did absolutely nothing to even encourage labor, aside from walking, maybe. Luca came when Luca was ready).

I nursed her again and then handed her off so I could eat my first meal (HoneySmacks cereal, ha!). The kids came in to meet Luca. Hayden was told that it was, indeed, a sister. Vincent didn't really care. I got them out of there soon though because I was in a lot of discomfort. My afterpains were horrendous. I think that if you have a natural birth, you should be exempt from having contractions afterward. People were beginning to leave at this point and, eventually, it was just Maysa and me (and Luca). I was thankful for that because I was able to kind of talk out my emotions (such as the fact that I felt horrible that my pains were so bad, it was hard for me to focus on the baby). I took some pain medication and drank some water and just kind of relaxed. Maysa left soon after that and I nursed the baby and then we both took a nap. When I woke up, I felt a ton better - and I stayed in bed just staring at Luca and looking her over. I called Jarrod back and we talked about how she looked like him and about how cute she was. He asked if my birth went well and I told him, "You know, I'm proud of myself" and he said, "Yeah - and I'm proud of you too."

Looking back on my birth, I'm really, really pleased with how it went. I'm thrilled that my daughter was born safely at home. I can't begin to explain the "birth high" that accompanies natural birth - and the recovery has been excellent. Quick and easy. It really was a beautiful, intense birth.

I do wish that Jarrod would have been here - but, what could I do? And, I did have a group of people that offered amazing support. Some probably think that I had far too many people there, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Everyone respected what was happening - and everyone knew when to be quiet and when to offer words of encouragement. Another thing that makes me a little sad is that the cord did not stop pulsating before it was clamped and cut - however, I'm not hung up about it. I had blood pulsing out of me and Mary was concerned that there was a tear in the cord - which would have meant that the baby was losing blood. I would have clamped it too. I'm also a little confused as to why I wanted to push on my back. I always envisioned myself pushing on my hands and knees, or squatting. I did what I felt like doing though, I'm just curious as to why listening to my body put me on my back! Everything else went perfectly.

It really was just an amazing experience. Having a homebirth makes me want to have 10 more homebirths. I don't even know how to put it into words - there isn't a sentence I could write that would explain how awesome I feel. How beautiful it was. How perfect she is.

Luca Lynn Hope
Born at home on 1.22.11 at 8.34am
8lbs0oz
20.5 inches long

Guest Post: Reflections on a Homebirth

My good friend, Sarah, had her first homebirth in November. She was certain she'd go overdue and her baby caught everyone by surprise when she decided to come early, before any of Sarah's support had arrived, on Thanksgiving Day (Sarah even had a turkey in the oven and everything!) After giving birth to her 2nd daughter, Lucy, they were transferred unexpectedly to the hospital. Sarah's full birth story can be found HERE.

When looking back on her birth experience, Sarah offered valuable insight and wisdom that I wanted to share with all of you. Though she refers specifically to homebirth, all of her suggestions apply to every woman.

Simply put: 1) You need to plan for back-up support 2) When it comes to a care provider, don't "settle" and 3) Be prepared for the unexpected because, even when moms are empowered and calling the shots, birth is still unpredictable.


Every now and then (and it's usually when I'm in the shower and have time to think), I start thinking about my birth and what I could have/should have done differently. I'm about 80% satisfied with my birth experience and the things that I'm unsatisfied with are things that don't matter much in the long run (like not getting birth photos or having my placenta encapsulated). Still, there are things that I would like to do differently next time and I'm already starting to think about those things.

For Baby #3, I need to have not only a plan, but a back up plan.
I was so certain that Lucy would come after her due date that I didn't make any kind of back up plan in case she came early - before my support system arrived. I mentioned to my doula, Cassie, that I felt like I didn't handle my labor very well and she said that she thought it was because I was mentally unprepared. I think she's right. When I finally admitted to myself that I was in labor (which I'm going to guess was at about 8-9cm dilated and maybe 2 hours before Lucy was born), I basically saw my entire birth plan fall apart right in front of me and because of that, I think I was subconsciously trying to fight or escape labor. My mom wasn't there, meaning that my husband, Jon, had to take care of our daughter, Arianna. He needed to tend to her needs as well as mine. There were times when Arianna whined about things during my contractions and I got irritated and snapped at her. Then, immediately after I snapped, I would feel horrible and start crying about what a bad mother I was. Cassie wasn't there, which meant that I didn't have my doula, my photographer, or my placenta encapsulator. Actually, I was relying on Cassie for a lot of different things and only now do I realize how unfair that was - not only to myself, but to her. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone, especially when they have to travel to attend your birth (can I tell you how hard it is to plan travel around something as unpredictable as birth?). I should have had a backup doula, a backup photographer, and a backup placenta encapsulator lined up, just in case. Of course, I still would have rather had Cassie there simply because she's a friend and someone that I trust, but I think if I had backups, I would have accepted that I was in labor much sooner and possibly handled it better.

For Baby #3, I will spare NO cost.
I WILL interview several different midwives until I find a perfect fit and I won't choose a midwife solely based on whether or not my insurance will cover her. Don't get me wrong, I still think that my midwives are good midwives. I think that for some women, they are a really good fit and I've read testimonials from women who have had amazing birth experiences with them. I just don't know that they were the perfect fit for me. First, the practice is made up of six different midwives meaning that I saw a different midwife at just about every appointment. I also didn't get to choose who attended my birth, I just got whoever was on call that day. I definitely preferred seeing a midwife (or, midwives) over seeing an OB for my prenatal care. There was never a long wait to see them and I could easily decline tests and procedures that I felt unnecessary. Also, in some aspects, the care was more personalized - but the experience still wasn't perfect. I would like to find a midwife that works on her own, or maybe with one other midwife or assistant. Then I can really get to know the person who will attend my birth.

The midwife who attended my birth yelled at me while I was pushing. Lucy was starting to crown and I started to freak out a little bit, getting loud and saying that I couldn't do this anymore. She yelled, "SARAH! Now, STOP IT! Push! Now breathe! NOW PUSH! BREATHE!" At the time, it didn't bother me because I was focused on getting the baby out. However, looking back on it, it bothers me a lot and was definitely not part of the gentle birth that I had planned for (although, all of the screaming that I was doing was also not part of my "vision"). It wasn't just the volume of her voice either, it was the tone in which she said it. I felt like a child being scolded. She also didn't remember that she had attended my birth when I saw her at my postpartum appointment. She was looking through my records and said, "Okay, so who attended the birth? Oh, I did! Haha!" Not only am I uncertain about how you could forget that you attended someone's birth, mine was also on Thanksgiving! I would have thought she would have remembered it, just based on that!

For baby #3, I need to prepare and have a plan in case a transfer becomes necessary.
I really have no excuse for why I didn't prepare myself for a transfer other than the fact that, like most people, I never thought it would happen to me. When I found out that we were transferring, everything suddenly felt surreal. Since the ambulance that picked us up came from on base, they showed up less than five minutes after the midwife placed the call and we were thrown into chaos. Jon was frantically trying to pack a hospital bag while also trying to keep Arianna out of the way. The midwife and the birth assistant were calling out things that Jon needed to grab so he wouldn't forget ("Carseat! Clothes for the baby! Cell phone charger!"). I was trying to find clothes to put on since all I had on was the thin dress that I had given birth in. Even though it's something that I pray doesn't happen with the third baby, I need to prepare for it just in case it does. It wouldn't hurt to have a hospital bag packed and have everything in one place in case we need to grab stuff and go. It won't make me any happier about a transfer, but at least then the transition might be a little bit calmer.

I also need to prepare for what I might encounter at the hospital. I was all geared up to advocate and fight for Lucy, but I never thought about having to fight for myself. I was prepared to refuse formula, fight the hospital on vaccines, and demand that my daughter be allowed to room in. Interestingly enough, I didn't have to fight for any of those things. The NICU nurses and neonatologist were WONDERFUL. Jon made it clear that nothing was to be done to Lucy without it being cleared with me first (unless of course it needed to be done to save her life, but she wasn't in that much danger) and they respected our wishes 100%. It was the OB who attended me that I was not prepared for and I'm angry with myself for not telling her where to stick it. I was just so overwhelmed by that time and I was all alone. I was longing to be with my baby and was pretty much willing to do whatever I was told to do in order to make that happen.

So that's really all I've got so far, though I'm sure I'll add to it as I learn more. I'm going to do everything in my power to make my next birth an empowering and healing experience.

We often read about women who have reflected on their hospital births and wished that they had done things differently - but we forget that there is still something to be learned from all birth experiences.

Looking back on your own birth/s, is there anything you learned "the hard way" that you'd like to share?

bad doula: the doula who knew better

I forgot to hire a doula.

Mind you, I'm only 13 weeks pregnant and I have some time before I am set to give birth. However, I also know that I should have hired one before I left Arizona. Now, I will have around 2 months to find a doula when I get back.
The reason I forgot to hire one is because I forgot I needed one. Or, even worse, I thought I didn't need one.

I know. bad doula.

It's hard to explain. I know doulas are amazing, and I'm not just tooting my own horn. Ask any woman who has had a doula and she'll tell you that they made a difference in either a small way or in the biggest way possible. They help. It's obvious.

Maybe, for a weird reason or another, I considered myself immune to doulas. I plan to have a lot of people at my birth. I know a ton of women who have never witnessed a birth like the one I am having, and I feel honored to have them there. I also feel more comfortable in groups - and I know I won't have an issue telling people to get the Hell out if I change my mind. I have people there who will give massages and rub my back. They will fill the birth tub and get me water. Take photos and video tape.

(doing the doula thing and rubbing some feet)

I know doulas do emotional too. However, as my husband said, I "know all their mind tricks." I know what they might say and I figured this was a disadvantage. Then it hit me.

I'm scared. I'm scared. I've never had a homebirth. I'm terrified of transfer. I'm terrified that I will change my mind. I fear the unknown and, though I have seen homebirths up close and personal - I have never had one. The only people at my birth who have witnessed a homebirth are my midwives and, God willingly, if she can make it - my friend over at Birth Faith.

So, why was I convincing myself I didn't need a doula? My job is normally to convince women and men that they do need a doula. In spite of my knowledge and even though I "know" what doulas say and I "know" what they do - I need that.

I am probably going to say something like, "I'm scared"
and I need someone to say, "I'm here."

I am probably going to say something like, "It hurts too much"
and I need someone to say, "I know, but it won't hurt forever."

I am probably going to say something like, "I can't do this"
and I need someone to say, "But, you are. And, you can. And, you will."


I then sat there, pouring over names of doulas and thinking, "Damn. I'm picky." Then I questioned - wait. Are most people this picky? Are people this choosy when they opt for me as their doula? Just as I was contemplating this notion, a client of mine back in Arizona, who is pregnant with a 2nd and planning a VBAC delivery, sent me this message on Facebook:

"[my husband] said he feels confident in being my doula since we can't have you. He's kind of funny that way, it's hard for him to connect and feel comfortable with people. That's why his instant comfort with you was very unlike him but quite a blessing.

I wish you could be here too...but I know it will all work out."



First and foremost, bring on the doula guilt! I wish I never had to move because then I would never have to leave my clients. Secondly, wow. My job just felt even more important than the pedestal I thought I was already putting it on. Three - I need that. Of course I need that, and, of course, I have the right to be picky.

So, doulas - did you have doulas? Will you?

Or non-doulas - what did you think about your doula if you had one. If you didn't - did you wish you did?

And, most importantly, how did/how would you choose your doula?

L's birth story - the homebirth that made me a doula

L called me at 4pm to tell me that her water had broken 15 minutes earlier. I had been anticipating attending my first birth for certification and was surprised at how calm I felt when she called. She told me she wasn't having any contractions yet, but her first two labours happened really quickly - so I decided to leave my house fairly soon. I made a fast stop at the gas station to pick up some crackers and water and then made my way towards L's house.

I arrived shortly after 6pm and was greeted by L and her husband. She introduced me to her sister-in-law, who would also be witnessing the birth (and who was 32 weeks pregnant herself!) L still wasn't having contractions and was actually in the middle of making dinner. She had told me many times that she felt as if she'd give birth at night and the sun was still up in the air. We also joked that hopefully the baby was going to let her eat dinner first. I asked her if she wanted to take a walk to get things moving, but she was concerned about leaking amniotic fluid. I then suggested she sit down and save her strength, but she said she felt like moving. She seemed very restless.

L (on the right) with her sister-in-law

As we all sat down to eat, L's contractions began to start coming more regularly. Her sister-in-law began to time them, and they were about every 10 minutes apart. L was still able to talk through them, but she said their intensity was increasing. We all went upstairs at that point to ready L's bedroom for the birth. We laid down shower curtains over her bed and we put plastic sheets down on the floor. I helped put some extra air in her birth pool and L changed into more comfortable attire. She was still joking around, saying she put on a skirt for “easy access!”

Around 8.30pm, L's contractions were about 5 minutes apart. When she sat on the toilet, she said she felt a lot of pressure but seemed anxious about how quickly things were picking up. I suggested she sit on the birth ball, but she said she didn't want things to move too fast. She was holding back because her husband was still putting their daughters to bed and the midwives weren't there yet. I asked her if she wanted to go on her hands and knees because her midwife had suggested it to turn a posterior baby, but she didn't stay in the position too long. She said her body was telling her to walk, so that is what she did. Around 9pm, her husband came into the room and L called the midwives who were a block away. She asked me how dilated I thought she'd be, and I guessed 5cm and that labour would move very quickly once her midwives were here.

One of the midwives checks the baby's heart rate

The midwives arrived very shortly after that and set up all of their things. L was still smiling and laughing and able to ease through her contractions. She was doing wonderfully and I mentioned many times how she was a "pro." When the midwives checked her, she was at 5cm. I was right! After some paperwork, the midwives went downstairs and L's labour picked up. She had to stop moving during her contractions and would embrace her husband in the slow dancing position. During this time, she said she felt like she had to eat and asked for some of the peanut butter cookies I had brought. I also recommended some fluids. She drank some Gatorade, but she wasn't too interested in eating. She went to use the bathroom again and labour really seemed to intensify after she returned. She was moaning quietly and really focusing on her husband during her rushes. I admit, I felt a little bit like a bother at first. I was concerned about annoying her. I remember asking her questions, but she just wanted to walk and be with her husband. It seemed like such an intimate experience, so I sat on the bed and remained as a bystander. I didn't want to interrupt the connection she was sharing with her husband and I figured I'd know when she really needed me to be by her side as well. During this time, the pool was filled up per L's request. The midwife came up to check her again and said she was still 5cm but a little more effaced. I asked her if she felt discouraged because she had said, "I'm still 5cm?" She said not really, which I thought was great. She was keeping a positive attitude. The midwives didn't want L in the pool just yet but suggested she lay on her left side for a few contractions. She got in bed with her husband in front of her and I came up behind her to apply counter-pressure to her back. I've never had a work-out quite like it! I thought I was pushing so hard I'd hurt her, but after one of the contractions she said it felt good - but asked me not to ease up any. I mentioned how I had amniotic fluid all over my legs and L seemed apologetic. I told her I brought a change of clothes and the last thing she needed to worry about was me! L was still in a pretty good mood, relaxing in between rushes. Her moaning was getting progressively louder though and after about 3 contractions, the midwives' assistant came up and said L could get in the pool. She wanted to use the restroom first and her husband went with her. I could hear her moaning and groaning and I had a feeling things were going to change very quickly. L removed most of her clothing and soon got in the tub. I took off my socks and rolled up my pants and L's husband asked if I was going to get in the pool. I shrugged and said, "You never know." I figured I might as well and be prepared. I didn't need it though. L did fabulous. She was in a zone and wasn't really able to answer any questions, so I did my best to just try and guess what she needed. She was sitting on her legs in the pool, leaning forward to face her husband. I tried to pour water over her back in-between contractions and I applied counter-pressure to her lower back during rushes. Her pain was more immense now, so I knew she wouldn't be able to tell me if what I was doing was helpful or not. In early labour, she seemed to appreciate the pressure on her lower back, so I decided to stick with that. I remember looking up a few times to see her husband (who was directly in front of me, across the pool) and we'd smile at each other. Though we didn't speak, I know we were both basking in how amazing L was doing. The midwives came in a few times and I had to adjust my position to let them monitor the baby's heart tone. I was appreciative how non-invasive they were. I knew to respect their presence, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much they respected mine! L was extremely focused on her labour now and not able to speak very much. She made a lot of moans and groans. I had been really good at taking pictures up to that point, but I knew I couldn't leave her. I asked her sister-in-law if she wouldn't mind snapping a few, and she said sure. L's sister-in-law was a wonderful help. The midwives soon came to check L again, and asked her to go onto her back. L didn't seem thrilled with this, but she moved. The midwives said she was 8cm. I tried to get L to sip some Gatorade, but she still wasn't too interested in drinking. The midwives tried to move L back into the position she was in before, but she was in the middle of a contraction and resisted being moved. I went to the other side of the birth pool so I could be at L's side. I went to apply pressure at her hip, and I was surprised when she grabbed my hand. I tried my best to put some force against her side with one hand while holding her hand with my other. I was surprised at how easily I could tell she was in transition. She was quivering and trembling and made a few moans that sounded like cries. I mouthed to one of the midwives, "Transition?" and she nodded. I tried to rub L's hand to relax it because I knew her contractions would feel (slightly) better if she were completely relaxed. I remembering make "shhhh" noises. Not to shush her, but I caught myself trying to mimic ocean waves. I turned to a few people to mention how great she was doing.

Transition

The midwives had asked L earlier if she was more concerned about her perineum being intact or giving birth in the water. Since she had two previous tears and the baby's heart rate was dropping, the midwives (hearing her noises) told her she needed to get into the bed. I thought L was going to sprint from the pool! After her contraction was over, she jumped out of the water and a few of us tried to dry her off with towels as she ripped off her top and went to lay down on the bed (later she told us she just didn't want to have another contraction before she got to her bed). Her husband was on her left side and no one was on her right. During her entire labour, L was doing so great I caught myself wondering what my place was. I can't describe my feelings exactly, but I knew I had to be next to her. I went and sat at her other side and was surprised to see how intensely she focused on me. I used one hand to brush her hair back and L gripped my other arm. I didn't realize it until I got home later, but I had scratch marks! I didn't (and still don't) mind, though. The midwives were concerned about the baby and their assistant handed me an oxygen tube and told me to cup it over L's nose. She did not like this, but I did my best to make her comfortable while still following the midwives' instructions. L was extremely instinctual at this time and I was surprised when the midwife proclaimed loudly, "I need you to pay attention to me now!" They were trying their best to keep her perineum intact while delivering the baby quickly. The midwife told L to push, and she said, "I am pushing!" They then suggested that she grunt a little bit. L screamed as the baby crowned, but after the head was out - everything was pretty quiet. The midwives moved the cord out from under the baby's neck and I remember telling L that he was almost here. That her baby had a full head of hair! I told her, "You did it!" I'm not sure if she heard me or not, but I told her how amazing she was. Then, with about 2 more big pushes, her son was placed on her stomach.

Baby is here!

I actually moved out of the way fairly quickly after that to allow the midwives more space to check out mom and baby. I also wanted to let her and her husband enjoy their son as much as possible. I heard L ask, "Is he okay? Is he okay?" He wasn't crying yet and I am sure the urgency of her delivery made her a little concerned. Her midwife assured her the baby was fine, and then he let out a nice big cry. The happiness in the room was palpable and I noted "What a perfect song to be born to," as I heard the stereo. It was the song, "Calling All Angels."

L and her husband were so engrosssed in their son, it was amazing to watch. The midwives joked at what a long cord the baby had and how, "he was probably jump-roping in there!" I gathered my camera back from L's sister-in-law (who was such a great help!) and snapped a few shots. The baby looked great and nursed soon after that. L had breastfed 2 babies before him, so I tried to stay out of the way. I asked her if she needed any help, but she said she was fine. The baby latched soon after that. After mom and baby were acquainted, the midwife took the little guy and weighed and measured him. I helped clean up during this time and the other midwife asked me if I had any questions. They were so nice to me. She filled out my doula form and gave me top marks!

Hanging with his mama while she pushes out her placenta




Being measured


Look at all that hair!

I hung around for a little while after that, gathering things and taking a few more photos. After L and her husband seemed a little more settled, I decided to leave. Her sister-in-law was still there and so were the midwives. I felt she was in great hands. I told her I was going and told her to call me if she needed anything. I remember her telling me, "Thank you for the counter-pressure!" which made me smile in a silly way. I told her, once again, that she did fabulous and I got my things packed up. As I was going out the door, I heard the midwives say, "Where did she go? Oh! There she is!" They gave me their card and told me to call so they could match me up with clients of theirs.

All the birth support. The two midwives on the left, L's husband, and then me on
the right (I'm the one with the doula shirt, duh! - actually, when L's 3-year-old
daughter greeted me, she said, "Your mommy's doula!")

As I walked back to my car, I couldn't believe how proud I felt. Not of myself, but of L. She really did act like a pro. They say that women who watch another woman birth will often produce similar love hormones as the labouring mother. I felt elated. I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards L. I feel so honoured that she allowed me to take part in her birth.

Baby T
April 1st, 2009
7lbs 8oz

You can read L's version of her birth story HERE

and she made a slideshow of the photos I gave her HERE